Bad Mummy and Daddy

I have a confession to make.

I am filled with guilt... guilt that I am a bad mummy. Do you feel the same way towards your kid too?

The other day, something happened and I was talking to Yanni about it. The topic slowly shifted to this problem that has been bothering for quite a few weeks already.

Ace is starting to hit people, throw things, pull people's hair and I hate it when he does that! I have tried patiently talking to him, telling him, "I am sorry I love you.." when he is asleep, scolding him (which makes me even more guilty), hitting him, (even more more more guilty) but nothing seems to work.

Yanni asked me, "Have you tried not reacting to it?"

I must admit that is something I haven't tried as it is really too hard to NOT REACT at all. The first few times he did it, I was nice and talked to him nicely. But because he when he hits people (especially me), he hits really hard and I always find it very painful so I get very upset when he does that.

And then she looked at me and smiled and said, "I think you have guilt that you are not a good mother..."

Sigh... am I so easy to read?

"When did this start?" she asked me...

Surprisingly, the first answer that came to my mind is that I have been feeling that since I was pregnant.

When I was pregnant, people say you shouldn't drink cold drinks but I did. They say we shouldnt watch melodramas and horror movies but I went ahead and watched anyway. I did it and felt guilty and blamed myself that I am a bad mother.

After Ace was born, when I did not have enough milk, I was a bad mother. When I did not spend enough time with him, I was a bad mother. When he does something that I feel is WRONG or BAD (eg, hit other people, throw things, throw tantrums), it is also because I am a bad mother (even though it is NORMAL for children to do that sometimes).

Mostly I think, when he hits me, throws things at me or pulls my hair, I am not angry at him at all. I was angry at myself. "See, you are a bad mother, that is why your child is like that. How come you cannot teach your child properly?"

I think Daddy has the same challenge because he gets VERY UPSET when Ace throws tantrums as well.

But I think after POV and after talking to Yanni, I have come to realize that the root cause is because I have this belief that I am a bad person and that I am not good enough. Doesnt matter what Ace do. I just use it as an excuse to blame myself.

I probably also have too high expectations of Ace.

I went for ChiChing's POV and she said that as parents, we use our past experience and want to teach and tell our children what to do. But they are here to experience life and they have the freedom to learn what they want. We really need not ask them to follow everything that we think is correct.

And so, today, when Ace pulled my hair and told me, "Pain pain..." I did not react. When he pinched me and said, "pain pain..." I did not react. And then... HE STOPPED ;)

Yanni is right. When I forgive myself for being a bad mother and start to think I am a good mother, he will change as well ;)

But because I no longer felt emotional towards his outburst, I suddenly realized why he was hitting us.

Because sometimes when we ignore Ace, he would purposely fall down and tell us, "Pain pain..." and then we would sayang him. So he thought that someone had to be in pain before you can sayang him. That is why he hit us because he wanted to sayang and LOVE US!

It was all just a misconception!

So I explained to him that if he wanted to kiss me or love me, he could just come to me. No need to do that only when I am in pain and I will kiss and show him love more often instead of waiting for him to call for my attention when he is in pain.

Well, I am happy to say.. things are back to normal.. so far so good. Thanks, Yanni! 智清，谢谢你！

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