Modelling Moral Life for Children

by Lency Spezzano

Here is an article by one of my teachers, Lency Spezzano... quite helpful.. so share with all mothers and teachers here;)

I am not a moralist, and I am not generally interested in the morality of others (except in how my judgements on others are projections of my judgements on myself). Yet, I am a parent, and parents are concerned about the moral development and behavior of their children. What parent's heart doesn't break for the parents of the child on the news who has taken a life, or broken ot`her laws? Even if we have become jaded about the world, we still do not want our own children to lie to us, or steal from us.

Children absorb most of their moral learning from their parents' actions. The way they are treated by their parents and the way they see their parents treat others, will be the natural basis for how they operate in the world. For example, we all want to raise children that we can trust to speak truthfully to us, even when they are teenagers. The only way that we have the right to expect honesty from our kids is to speak the truth to them and to those around us at all times.

It is possible to live our lives without lying. We don't need to tell a lie to get off the phone quickly, or to excuse an absence, or explain why we are late. The simple truth, and possibly an apology, serves the best.

I was 25 years old before I realized that honesty truly is the best policy. I remember jogging around the park off Diamond Head that beautiful afternoon here in paradise. But, rather than drinking in the beauty of the land and sky and sea, or relating with the rainbow of Hawaii's people that I encountered, my mind was fraught with stress. I spent the whole time thinking of my conflicts, and recalling the variModeling Moral Life for Children by Lency Spezzano ous deceptions and half truths I had put out to the people in my world to gain some kind of advantage.

As I ran I began to recognize how much time and energy I put into maintaining those deceptions, just to keep track of what I had said to whom. I also recognized that I carried a lot of fear around with me. Would things I had said about certain people to others get back to them? Would people compare statements I had made to them?

I realized that the fear and stress from my lies and gossip were overwhelming, even though I was basically a nice and well-intentioned person. I also realized that none of the deceptions or secret attacks were necessary. They didn't really help me; they hurt me a lot. They were the source of much of my suffering.

For the first time, I recognized that all of the things I was doing to protect myself and elevate myself actually made me vulnerable. The best thing I could do for myself would be to give up the deceptions and secrets. I could instead always speak the truth, and not say anything about anyone that I would not be willing to say to his or her face (and in fact, that would be far better than saying it to someone else). That way I would never have to remember what I said to anyone, and I could relax.

That decision started a new chapter in my life, one of greater ease and safety. I believe that our children have benefited from that lesson through natural absorption. When things are uncomfortable for them, their minds do not automatically seek a way to cheat their way out of it. If they have been sneaky or deceptive, it weighs heavily on their mind until they confess without prompting.

Usually these confessions are pretty cute, and become part of the family lore. Like the time they stole a carton of ice cream out of our freezer and ate the whole thing outside behind the trees, the times they flushed their dinner down the toilet when I wasn't looking, etc. They recognize that they are much more comfortable inside themselves when they are honest, and they love feeling that they have iaa clean slate.lJ

All of this honesty occurs naturally, without lecturing about honesty, or discussing morality at all. It happens because it is the only way of being they know. On those occasions when I have discovered one of our kids in a lie, I felt the important thing was not to go into reaction. I remained connected with them, and asked them what was going on with them that they felt they needed to lie. Punishment would not have taught them to be honest; it would have taught them to try harder not to get caught the next time. Causing our kids to feel guilty about being deceptive would only have cemented in the deceptive behavior. Real communication and joining was what they were calling for. Then if it seemed that it would be beneficial for them to have a ionatural consequencel_ for their behavior, that could occur without that consequence being seen as a punishment dealt out to them on a whim. They even helped us determine what that natural consequence should logically be.

When we did occasionally use the ihnatural consequencesla formula it was when they were younger. I can't remember the last time either of our kids needed us to assign any kind of consequence for their behavior; it's been years. Life deals those out fairly automatically the older we get. We have never punished them, just as it would not be true for us to punish others we love when they make mistakes.

I did ground Chris once, but I realized a couple of days into it that he hadn't disobeyed me; we had had a genuine misunderstanding that came from miscommunication. Once I was able to recognize that, we had a natural meeting of the minds and the intimate understanding that springs from it. I dropped the grounding consequence, and never regretted it My usual method for dealing with suspected deceptions when the kids were younger and testing limits was very simple. I would say, iaLook me in the eye and tell me that again with a straight face.lh Then I would give them my most discerning look, while smiling. If they were fibbing or exaggerating, their attempt to stare me down would end in a fit of giggles. We would all have a laugh instead of a conflict, and they learned that it was useless to try to fool me. Their own subconscious mind revealed the truth. It got so that all I had to do was give them ihthe lookl. if they said something suspicious, and they would crack up, laughing at themselves.

Our kids don't generally do or say anything to anyone else with the intention of causing pain. When they are attacked, they refrain from attacking back. They do not seek revenge. They speak kindly to us without sarcasm or rancor. Children can be very cruel, but there is no reason they have to be. Cruelty is a learned behavior, and our children learn primarily from us. They treat others the way we have treated them. High personal morals are their own reward. I believe it is more fun to have the good feeling of knowing that you have not cheated on your income taxes, than it would be to have the extra money from the cheating. It is more fun to have the intimate thrill of being completely known by your partner than it is to have secrets.

A clear conscience is a wonderful thing. The feeling of integrity allows you to rest inside yourself, and your kids will see the benefits of that inner freedom. One of the earliest guidelines from the Psychology of Vision, which I learned from Chuck when I first met him, explains that nothing can be done to us that we are not already in some way doing. Our children's behavior toward us will reflect our behavior toward them, and our behavior toward ourselves.

Our children are the greatest reflection we have of our minds. Their issues are our issues and their behaviors are our behaviors; even if we are doing our best to hide them from the world. The ways in which we are out of integrity will show up in some form in our children. For example, if Chuck or I had secret sexual liaisons, it would not be surprising for our kids to get into trouble about deceptive sexual behavior. If we were dishonest in our financial dealings, our children might develop a shoplifting p roblem. Addictions in us might well be reflected in addictions in them, etc.

No amount of punishment will teach our kids not to reflect our minds. When our kids get in trouble, it shows where we are in trouble. The good news is that since that is the case, when we can identify that issue inside of ourselves and heal it, our children no longer need to reflect the issue to us. We are all healed together. This can be the very greatest motivation for all of us parentswe can clean up our acts before our children begin to act out the deeper layers of our minds. Our children don't have to follow our footsteps through the mistakes we have made.

From Vision Magazine April 2001 A Publication from Psychology of Vision.

© Lency Spezzano 2001.

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