Why Am I So Sad?

Picture from mothership.sg


Yesterday night, before bedtime, while we were having our usual before bedtime chat, Ace asked me this, "Mummy, why did you cry so sadly when we pay respects to Lee Kwan Yew? I have never seen you cry so sadly in my life before... Will you cry so sadly when I die?"

I told him of course I will cry very sadly if he dies lah.. he is my son leh and I love him so much.

But I too wonder... why the grieve is so strong and so deep... and it came as a huge surprise to me that many, myself included, feel this way...

To be honest, I really think most Singaporeans are pragmatic and apathetic. We are more concerned with our livelihood than say politics. Of course, this is slowly changing as more of our youths start to take an active interest in the governance of our country and what they want to see in our country in the future and I am happy to see that.

I am guilty of being rather boh chup. When Mr Lee was alive, he was but this distant, elderly gentleman I knew to be a great man. We learnt about some of what he did in school but never in great detail. His contribution to education, public housing, world class transport system, Singapore's reputation as a garden city and Singapore's reputation for a clean government... I only learnt about the details during the last few days watching the non stop reruns of his interviews and interviews with people who worked with him.

I have never met him actually... or so I thought... till I went to pay respects and realized in one of the pictures that I was there at Bedok Stadium in 1983 with him for one of our National Day Celebrations. But still, I don't remember being up close and personal with him.

So why do I feel so sad and why do I feel as if someone close to me has died? Why did I cry so sadly when I went to pay tribute? Why do I feel so upset when I see people showing him utter disrespect? Why do many brave the sun and queue for hours just to walk past his casket or give him a bow?

I think now that Mr Lee has passed on and Singaporeans stop their usual complains and tirade and look around us, we realize that we actually do have a beautiful and wonderful place to call home.  Even my 9 year old son thinks we should be thankful to him for making Singapore a wonderful  place to live in for that was what he wrote in a card he made for Mr Lee.

My sister said she got emotional while taking  a bus ride home after work yesterday because everything she saw.. reminded her of how much this great man contributed to our lives and also reminded her of how little we have given to him or to our country in comparison.

I had a similar experience when I chatted with the Malay security guard uncle who works in our estate when I met him at the bus stop. I realized we could converse so comfortably with each other in english and felt this sense of bonding (to the extend  Uncle literally told me his life story) because Mr Lee made effort to ensure that this would be the case.

Yes, of course Mr Lee did not build Singapore singlehandedly and I do think that each and every singaporean plays a part to bring our country where it is today... Our pioneer generation grandparents and parents and even ourselves and our children... we all played a part. But it wouldnt have been possible without a visionary great leader who shows courage, tenacity, determination, resilience and dedication.

Still, I was curious if the grief grew out of only gratitude and respect... or is it something more because I realized that people are reacting to this strongly. Many friends who are usually calm and collected or even apathetic to most things say they feel like crying when reading about LKY on the train. One insisted she dun feel much but sniffled and cried along with me when we went to pay tribute together. Some even feel called to unfriend their facebook friends who seem to have no decency to keep quiet about their anti LKY thoughts at this sensitive time.

I was also triggered and cannot help but posted the following when I saw many insensitive people making what I thought were unnecessary and distasteful comment during this time of mourning...

In time of national mourning, i think if people have nothing DECENT to say, it is basic courtesy as a human being and basic decency to shut up and keep one's opinions to themselves. You are free to respect and be thankful or not. But it is a low class act to kbkb about LKY right after he dies. And it is incomprehensible to me why people have to criticize or judge other people who are respectful or thankful to him.

It is like hor..our parents take care of us and bring us up... We may not agree with the method they used or the control they had over us but when our parents pass on... We complain about how bad they are at the funeral to our relatives and criticize our siblings in grief if they say anything good about that parent.

Without LKY, his vision for Singapore and his contributions, sorry hor, u may not even have access to FB or an education that allows to kbkb in English and ur mother tongue...

This comment received more than a hundred likes within a short time and indicated that many of my friends felt triggered in the same way..

I asked my friend and mentor, Sue, about this grief and pain and this is what she shared with me..

"I remember when Princess Diana died and there was a huge outpouring of grief in this country. She was more like an archetype, she represented such a lot for so many people. Qualities of beauty, kindness, glamour, romance, and so on which all of us tap into. I think it is the same with Lee Kuan Yew - he represents more than just one man, he is the archetypal grandfather and pioneer of the family of Singapore. People feel they have lost qualities of wisdom, safety, leadership, all those grandfatherly things. And at the archetypal level we are all connected with each other, and people really feel that connection so it is very powerful."

This explanation totally made sense to me. Not only do I now understand the pain I felt, I also suddenly realize that regardless of whether people were PRO LKY, ANTI LKY or just sitting in middle ground.. whether they were being respectful and thankful, disrespectful, whether they feared over idolization of LKY, whether they were out to correct others if they over promote LKY and his contributions, whether they cried and slumped on the floor at Parliament house.. whether they acted like they don't really care... ultimately it is just everyone's own and different way to deal with this powerful emotion of loss... the loss of this great leader, the loss of our ah gong, and the loss of all these wonderful qualities associated with a grandfather and this great leader.

With this realization, I urge everyone to be more tolerant and sensitive to each other during this trying time of national mourning. Let's focus and put our minds on how we can continue the legacy that Ah Gong left us... and how we can make him proud to stay united as one.. and to work together and "to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation"... so that Ah Gong and Ah Ma can watch over us from the heavens with a big big smile:)

Previous Post: I Will Make This Singaporean Happy