The Day Ace Attempted To Commit Suicide

I have always thought of myself as a pretty okay parent. Granted, I am not perfect. But as someone who has spent the last 9 years attending psychology workshops and someone who has just finished facilitating a 12 module Conscious Parenting workshop, I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Even my friends who read my blog frequently tell me that they think I am a good parent. And I try to be.. or work at it despite all my shortcomings...

But on 7th July 2015, my son did something that only someone with a "bad" parent might do. He tried to commit suicide by jumping off the third storey of the school building. He was unsuccessful because his friends pulled him back.

Let me just say that there were no "warning" signs other than that we noticed he doesnt jump off bed, ready to get to school and always sleeps and sleeps till he is almost late! Max said it was a sign of bad attitude. I thought it was a sign that he needed to go to bed even earlier.

In our daily interactions, he is still a happy smiley boy. Just the day before, we were having dinner together and discussing about school and he was telling me about who and who quarrelled in school and telling me about some new youtube videos he watched that were very funny. We held hands when we were walking on the street and chatted and as he had no homework, he was given time to just watch some videos and play with the new lego set that Ah Yee had bought him for his birthday.

Then today at around 3plus in the afternoon, I recieved a call from one of his teachers in school. She said he is not feeling so well and asked if I could come and pick him up.

That morning, Ace told me his nose was bleeding but I couldnt see any blood and so I told him to just go to school. If he bleeds, just lean forward for the blood to flow out and not get stuck. I thought perhaps he caught a cold again or that he had a nose bleed.

As I was walking to school, I was also thinking about how my teacher, Hideaki, told us that we have to invite "god" into our relationship with the people around us .. I chanted in my heart and asked Gohonzon to please bless Ace that he is ok and  to bless our relationship too. Little did I know how important this prayer was.

However, when I reached his school, his teachers looked flustered and were looking for a room to talk to me. But I was under the impression I could just pick him up and go. That was when I realized something happened. I thought perhaps he fought with someone. Or that he got injured in some way.

After we sat down, his teachers started telling me what happened.

Apparently, Ace was supposedly looking down and upset already. During Chinese lesson when they had a relief teacher for the day because his Chinese teacher was on reservist, Ace asked the teacher for permission, went out of the room and tried to jump off the building. His friend noticed that he was doing that and ran out to pull him back. Afterwards, he tried again, this time succeeding to put on leg on the railing and a group of his friends rushed out to pull him back.

Interestingly, at this point, the teacher kept telling me that he must be very well liked because there was like this whole gang of kids going over to pull him back and fuss over him, buy him a drink. They even knew exactly what drink to buy him...

So leh, while they let him go about his day in school, they talked to his friends and asked them to keep an eye on him and not let him do anything silly.

The teachers asked me if anything happened at home but I could not think of any. The teachers said they were surprised because Ace is such a happy boy in school. He was always happy and always surrounded by friends and he was also brilliant in that he was quick to pick up. Only thing was that he tended to take a long time to finish his work as he tended to lose focus.

So one of the teachers said she took him one side and counseled him and talked to him and according to this teacher, they are very concerned because when she asked him what he was doing, he said he was trying to commit suicide.

She asked him if he knew what committing suicide meant, and he said he did. It meant that he will die and go to heaven. She asked him if he knew that means he cannot see his parents and he says he knows. "But it is ok, when they grow old, they will die and we will see each other in heaven again."

So the teacher thought he really knew what he was doing and really meant to die. So it was like a big thing and as I sat there and listened to them, (the VP, form teacher and subject head were there with me) I couldnt help but tear.

They tried to comfort me, offer me tissue.. asked me to be strong.. But I told him, "It's ok, dun mind my tearing, it is natural for a parent in this situation to feel sad and tear.." and I tear my tears  while feeling my heartbreak and she continued to tell me some of what other things Ace said...

• He said he knows that both me and his dad love him very much but he feels it is not enough
• He wished he had more attention from us. Eg, he made a nice lego model and we just say it is very nice and asked him to expand it and then we went back to watching tv
• He said his dad likes to go drinking and after drinking, he always happy. But he always goes late at night, when he comes home happy, Ace is already asleep. "I never get to see my daddy happy.. everytime I see only angry him and he always scolds me..."
• He told his teachers about how once when his dad was drunk his dad almost hit him.
• He feels stressed that he now has to go for chinese tuition
• He feels stressed that he has to practice guitar more now that he has been promoted to level 1 because when he practices more, his hands hurt and his fingers are painful
• He feels stressed that he now has to take more more family duties like helping to fold clothes
• He feels stressed that he has to be responsible for his own things. Eg he lost a pair of pants and so he has to save up to buy another pair.
• He feels upset that me and his dad are always busy with so many things and leaving him at his grandparent's place. He wishes that we will spend more time with him.
• He says when we bring him out, it is usually with our friends and he will play lego with the other children but I will just be chatting with my friends and he is not included.

His form teacher says she feels likely that Ace is not well adjusted to life here (more homework etc) and that I should let him know that life is different that he HAS to adapt. I am thankful for her concern but I am so sure this is not helpful to this situation.

They asked me what I feel may have contributed to this behavior. And I thought perhaps it has been because I did not spend enough quality time with him over the past few months or that we did not bring him out often enough...

Anyway, his CCA ended and so I held his hand and walked home with him. As we were walking, I was tearing..

"Are you crying?" Ace asked me..

"What do you think?" I asked him... Thank god that for some unknown reason, I felt the urge to put on my sunglasses that day.

As I felt that I was able to talk, I told him that I am not angry with him, nor am I upset with him. I am just very heartbroken that he did not treasure himself and will think of hurting himself so badly like killing himself. I told him I had spoken to his teachers and they have told me what happened. But as we are so close to each other and have a even stronger bond between him and his teachers, I know we can be totally honest with each other about what happened and so I will like to hear from him his side of the story. I told him that he doesnt have to talk to me now but he can talk to me when he is ready.

After that, we walked in silence for another 5 minutes, his hand in mine. I noticed that his hand did not grab mine tightly like he usually does and so I held on tight... But I also noticed that if I relaxed my grip, he will hold on tighter.

5 min later, I felt like he could be ready to share and I asked him if he was ready to talk. And he said yes... and this is his version to me about what happened.. We sat down, side by side on a bench at the playground. I suddenly feel like a PoV trainer.. who picked a focus person and I asked myself.. what will my trainer friends do or say. I know they will be guided by their inspiration and so I asked for help from the heavens and started asking Ace questions so that he can tell me more..

• Ace said that someone pushed him during chinese class and his classmate E tried to stand up for him and the two of them started quarrelling.
• He felt very agitated by the noise and suddenly had the idea of just wanting to end it all to find PEACE
• So he walked to the corridor with the intention to jump over. However, Edric saw him and ran over to hold him back.
• By then, the rest of the classmates rushed out to him and someone started laughing at him and saying that he is stupid and just trying to get attention. So he got agitated and tried to jump again, this time he managed to get one leg over and his friends pulled him back.
• His friends then fussed over him and they circled him when they were going to science club to protect him and because he was still mighty upset, he wanted to vent his frustrations and he tried to bang his head against the wall and he got stopped by a teacher.
• He said he did not know what came over him when he did all these but I know that all that he told his teachers were contributing factors, I think he was perhaps mindful of not hurting my feelings and therefore he said he did not know why. I told him that I understood him well enough to know that what he told the teacher was true as well.
• I asked him if he did it because he really wanted to end his life or was it because he was trying to ask for help or call for love. He said he was trying to ask for help with this action.
• I asked him very much later during a happy moment we had where we were very connected if he really meant to jump down and he said actually if it really came right down to it, he wouldnt jump.
• Anyway, he promised me that he will not do this again and he apologized to me and his dad for doing something silly like that.

I felt it was enough sharing and so I said we should go home. Ace asked if we can go and eat ice cream. I told him there is ice cream at home and so we went home.

When we reached home, just before I opened the door, he hugged me and told me, "Mummy, I am so sorry that I tried to do something so silly. I won't do it again.." And I hugged him tight and told him that he has to remember that we love him no matter what.

When we opened the door, we realized that his dad was home already and his dad asked what happened. Ace asked if I could tell his dad on his behalf. I asked him to tell his dad himself.... but he asked me to tell his dad..

Then I asked him to go change out of his uniform while I fill his dad in and as I was recounting what I heard from the teacher to Max, I saw Max's eyes started to turn red. I understood how heartbreaking it was for him to hear that. As a defense, his first reaction was to get angry...

When Ace was done, I asked Ace to apologize to his dad. Max couldn't contain himself and asked Ace why he did something so stupid when they just talked about how stupid it is to try to kill urself to solve a problem.

I asked Ace to go bath and explained to him that daddy is feeling upset. We talk to daddy later..

I talked to Max and told him that I think Ace is doing this for attention and even if he has a very good point, we likely have to first give him what he wants before he will open his ears to really listen to what we want to tell him. If we scream at him, it is not really helpful for anyone...

"But you did not give me a chance to finish mah.." Max said.

I realized that maybe he has things he will like to say to Ace too...

So I went to talk to Ace. I told Ace that Daddy is angry now.. cos daddy is a independent man. People who are independent do not like to show their feelings and do not like to feel negative feelings. FOr us, when we feel negative we may say it out or cry but they don't. Daddy's eyes were so red just now. I think he is very sad... and very heartbroken... But being independent, he tried to protect himself by feeling angry and that is why he was shouting at him.

But I told Ace, I think daddy has things he want to tell him too.. is he willing to listen even if daddy is angry? He said he is willing and asked me if I think daddy will forgive him. I told him daddy is his father... of cos will forgive him no matter what.. but we need to give daddy time..

While he was bathing, Ace was hit by an inspiration. He finished bathing, ran out naked and said excitedly, "Mummy, I know why I was not successful in committing suicide.. cos last night when I was in my room  I chanted nam myo ho ren ge kyo! Gohonzon saved my life!!!!! Gohonzon is so great!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" So happy that he is alive and so happy tat gohonzon is great and saved him.

I also tried to address some of the things Ace told his teachers. Eg, I told him..  We are just asking for his help when we asked him to help fold clothes..  If just folding clothes is so difficult till have to go and die... then i will be dead many times over lor.. cos I am housewife, have to cook, clean house and clean toilet.. and Ace giggled.

Then hor, Ace went  to pack his room and fold all the clothes... after he finished, he came to me and said, "Mummy, I already be good boy.. pack my room and fold clothes.. do you think daddy will forgive me now?"

I asked him to be brave and just go and say sorry to daddy.

In the end hor, Ace went over to his dad and his dad just told him to remember to love himself.. cos if you dun love yourself, no one will love you.. and gave him a tight hug that lasted a minute or so...

Before bedtime that night, we read a book and chatted. I highlighted to him the things that people around him have done for him to show him love.I explained to him that however, love awaits not on time but on welcome... so if he does not open the door of his heart, no matter what we do, he also will not feel love or appreciate all we have done for him. So I reminded him to have to learn to count his blessings and and open his heart to receive love.

I have also explained to him that everyone has days where they feel down or upset. But there is always a way to manage those negative emotions. He has various options in that he can ask for help from me or his dad.. he can talk to his friends or his teachers... he can exercises or make something.... or he can even pray and ask for help from the heavens and chant in his heart to ask Gohonzon to help.

Just before he went to bed, he told me on his own accord that he will go and talk to his friends and all the teachers and apologize for his behavior. I reminded him that he has to be grateful and thankful for everyone's concern and love too and he said ok:)

I asked Max later why he didnt say anything else or scold Ace in the end... he said after he cooled down, he said he realized also that there is nothing to scold and nothing else to say..

 The next day, Ace went to school happy, played happy during recess (according to his teacher) but he said he got depressed when he was sent to a different class from his friends during chinese lesson and so he thought of doing it again but he noticed he had this thought and quickly asked to see Mr S, the school counsellor.

By day 3, his teachers and counsellor said he is well back to normal.

On my part, I have been asking for help from friends, sharing with my friends and their willingness to listen to me, give me advice and when they tell me how they can feel my heartbreak and were crying, I at least feel that there are pple who understand and support me.

Of course I asked myself what I could have done better but I am also careful not to blame myself and feel guilt as it is not helpful to the situation.

Upon self reflection, I admit that I may have put my pain or issues more important than bonding with Ace. I have spent less quality time with him and hugged him less and he really needs these things as an outlet to manage stress and negative emotions tat he feels. I have noticed some signs but thought it was part of his growing up.

But i am thankful that this happened right after a workshop where I feel a little more centrered and I am grateful I have so many supportive friends sending love to us.

Someone told me that perhaps my child was acting out our death temptation and reminding us we are in dead zone. And it is a reminder for us to commit and choose life. I understand that.

Someone else  told me that perhaps our son is trying to send a message with his actions and wanting to bring me and Max together to bond together. She suggested that we have deep conversation with each other as  a family. Someone else said it is perhaps time for me to choose to break out of my cocoon and become a beautiful butterfly that will make my husband feel proud and happy that he has a happy, beautiful wife.

I do think there is some truth in all that they say. And I am still working on clearing whatever emotions I feel, working on learning to trust gohonzon and surrender to the process.

If you ask me, I am more or less confident that Ace will walk out of this lah. But of course I think still have to be a little more careful and at the same time, as I move closer to support him, I am also careful not to overindulge him lest he thinks this is a good strategy to get attention.

If you ask me though, I actually worry about his dad more:) This must be such a rude, hard shock. First two days, it was so painful for him to talk about this issue that anytime we talked about it, I can feel his strong sense of heartbreak and failure and can see his eyes turning red. I can see all his pain but I cannot seem to walk too close... so I try my best to use humour to cheer him up, to show him concern while giving him space. I pray and hope that Max will feel comfortable about communicating and will be open to seeking help...

Anyway, a week into this, I think Ace is quite well adjusted and back to normal. He told me not to worry for him anymore as he is more or less back to normal. However, he says he sometimes feels fear that he will do silly things again..

I explained to him that everyone has thousands of thoughts going through their mind everyday and often, not all of these thoughts are happy and positive... So that is why we need to learn how to manage them maturely by either feeling any negative emotion they may bring us to melt it away and also consciously making a different choice to take a step away from darkness and a step closer to love.

One of his friends went home and made him a gift.

Though it was a small gesture, I am so grateful for the huge support that his friends have given him. And looking at it, I think it speaks volumes of E's kind heart. Till today, Ace's teachers are still updating me about his status in school.

Anyway, Ace told me that he wants to become a counselor when he grows up. I asked him why and he said it felt good to help people. I told him that he can do so by getting a counselling degree.. or "you could attend POV with me.. haha" And Ace says he doesnt want to do the POV type of courses.. "I want to do counselling course and get degree so that everyone knows tat I am certified counselor.." And he added that he just wants to be counselor in school and not any other type of counselor. I think guess Mr S, his school counselor will be pleased to hear that:)

PS: Ace's Sunshine AUnty called me and told me that he shared about the incident during the JPD meeting.. and they were so surprised.. they told him he is very brave to share. I asked him why did he share... he said he wanted to share to help others and let them know not to have suicidal thoughts and that if they do, Gohonzon can help them:)

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