A few years ago, I wrote about this phrase I learnt from my friend, Lency, which is called "A Mothers' Lap"... It is figuratively referring to this safe place kids need when they are not feeling good.. the place where they feel loved and understood no matter what happens...
Today, I am suddenly reminded of this lesson again...
Recently, Ace has been behaving somewhat badly....
He has been tardy at school... He would write his homework and LOSE IT! So have to redo again... He would forget to do his corrections... Or forget to hand in his work...
He has been rude and would shout or speak loudly at me.. sometimes for no special reason...
He will do the opposite of what we ask him to... and sometimes, I think on purpose too....
He has been lying... The other day, he came home 30 min later than usual... and when I asked him about it.. he gave me some long story about how he had to walk around a puddle as it was raining... Really? You need 30 min to walk around a puddle? I was born at night.. but not last night lor! Then he finally confessed that his friends all were taking bus to the interchange and so he took bus with them to the interchange and then came home from the interchange... I told him I am very disappointed that he lied and that he cannot do it again and he promised and that was it..
And of course, he promised not to use his phone liao and handed it over to me for safekeeping.. BUT he has been trying to get it back at every chance he gets and secretly using it... even when he is not supposed to...
The killer is he promised to clean his room but so far kept making new mess... So instead of getting cleaner, his room got messier and messier! I only finally managed to get him to clean 20% of it by literally sitting in his room and barking "Why is this on the floor?" "Why is this here?" "Why is that not in the basket?" "Why is that still in your hands when I already asked you to clear it 10 minutes ago?" at 12 midnight and kept him at it till 1am...
But hor, despite all sorts of scolding, NOTHING seemed to change.. he was still behaving badly.. So yesterday, I couldn't take it any more and let it rip!
I told him that I am really disappointed at his bad behavior and told him that he has been a very bad son.. being rude, lying to me, not listening to me and being tardy.. If he doesnt want to listen to me.. then OK, I give him, he can do what he like and fail his exams....
Today, his teacher kept him in school because he did not do his homework that was due last week.. he was given a chance to complete and hand in today but he did not... When he came home, I did not say anything... Cos I think I already no more blood to vomit liao....But I gave him "the face"...
Then leh, because he made a mess of the dining table and living room and I was trying to pack up before his dad came home from an overseas business trip, I asked him to please clear a, b, c, d and e.
I went into my room and then when he walked into my room to go bath, I asked him, "You packed meh?"
"Do already lah.. ugghhh..." And he slammed the door on me..
But when I walked out to the living room again, I noticed he only cleared A and C... B, D and E were still there and I told him if I had to remind him again to clear those things, that will cost him $1. And then if I had to do it for him afterwards, that will be another dollar.. and very soon I think he will have no pocket money for the week!
And then he started crying....
At that moment, I realized that he was probably not crying over this but something else.. And then I asked him what he is crying about and he just cried and cried.. I told him he can come tell me when he is ready and I went back out to the living room to sit on my rocking chair to wait for him..
He walked out after a while.. still crying and sat down on my lap and curled himself up like a baby and continued to cry and cry...
It suddenly dawned onto me that this is the time he needs A Mothers' Lap... and so I hugged him like he was a baby, patted him and asked him to hush... I told him that I love him on matter what and if he needs a place to cry.. this is a safe place to do so.. But I will prefer he tells me what he is crying about because I cannot help if I dunno what it is about...
HE cried and cried... And he tried to tell me what he was crying about.. But he couldnt get the words out and he started crying and crying and crying again.... He only managed to tell me, "I am sad..."
"Ok lah.. sayang.. mama love you ok.." I told him gently. I used to say this to him when he was very very little and upset... and since he is "grown up", I havent been saying this to him...
That made him cry even more...
"I want to calm down and stop.. but I can't! The sadness keeps coming... and coming!" And he started to wail loudly...
So I told him that in that case, he can cry to his hearts content here... and I continued to sayang him lor...
After about 5 min of crying loudly, he started to calm down a little.And he told me that he has so much sadness to release... I told him that perhaps other than crying, there are other ways to release this sadness... Like he can chant... or he can give his sadness to gohonzon and pray for gohonzon to transform it into happiness for him...
"But crying is the way I feel most comfortable to release sadness.." he said and I told him he could do that but if there are easier ways, he could try them out too..
NOw that he is more calm, he told me that there are two things that he is crying about...
"If I tell you the first thing.. you sure will scold me.. or say I am stupid or am an idiot..." I promised not to say he is idiotic or stupid and so he told me the first thing he was crying about..
"You know you took my phone away right... and I am so afraid you will never give me my phone back... and I feel so sad I don't have my phone with me.."
I told him that if he feels strong sadness when he dun have his phone, he needs to think about whether he is addicted to his phone and what he wants to do about it..
"Ya, I was thinking.. I think I use the phone too much already... and I think I shouldnt use the phone till after my exams..."
And then he went on to talk about the second thing that made him sad...
"You know I like to watch Pokemon Cartoon.. because the stories are always about how they will have a challenge and resolve it.. they always have a solution for all the problems they meet in the cartoon....And they have so much fun and share so much friendship...." And he started crying again at this point.."I also want that in my life.... But school has been boring... I don't like to go to school anymore... I used to like going to school and like learning.. but it is not fun anymore.. it is just work, work, work.. and I write and write and write so much till I injure my finger...."
"But you have many friends right?" I asked him...
I told him then that part of the reason he thinks school is not fun anymore is because his teachers don't teach via games now. He cannot compare though.. because when children are much younger, they retain info better through play.. so there are more games when you are younger... and when you are older, the style of teaching change cos they are now capable of digesting info taught directly. And also, it is not fair to compare SGP and DUBAI because their educational goals and curriculum are different...
But though it is different, I told him he has adjusted well and did very well in P4.. so well that his dad bought him a phone..
The reason why he feels like learning is boring now is because he himself no longer has the passion to learn and the focus on his work. He has been focusing on his phone.. games and whatsapp. Games and whatsapp.. comparatively, of course games more fun lah.. they are built for entertainment... not for learning and education mah... But there is fun in focusing on learning and acquiring knowledge too... I asked him to think back to before he had the phone and was playing so much games, he also had alot of work.. did he feel the same way?
And he kept quiet...
And then I showed him my finger and asked him to touch..."Do you feel a bump here?" And he asked me why there was a bump on my finger.. I told him that bump came about cos I did sooooooooooooooo much writing when I was studying too:) He is not the ONLY person in the world that did alot of work lah.. And plus.. he already did not do ALOT lor.. he only has chinese tuition and I only ask of him to complete his work... the extras I buy for him and ask him to do.. is just for him to practice.. Is not really alot of work lor...
And then he started crying again... and he said he is crying because he is sorry he has been a bad son.. I told him whether he is good or bad son I still love him lah. Everyone makes mistakes and the most important thing is to learn from our mistakes so we can become better... if he cries over this.. it means he wants to change and become better and so he can do so by making a decision to change.. but he needs to be committed to his decision and not forget it the very next day.. and even if he forgets it, he should remind himself to go back to the path of his original decision...
After all the crying and sayang.. he was finally able to smile again..
But later in the night during dinner, he said there is sadness again and asked if I could spend some time with him after dinner to read a storybook together.
So I did lah.. I also told him I can read storybook with him anytime.. not only when he is sad.. so he dun need to purposely feel sad to get me to read with him or sayang him lah:) hahahhaaha.....
My bad lah.. Actually I havent been doing the night time story book routine much lately.. and also because he would rather watch youtube and play games, we barely had time to really chat and so there was not much chance for him to download his bad emotions too... Will remind myself to make sure we have regular or even daily sessions for him to download before it all accumulates into one lump and comes out one shot..
I am glad this happened before exams lah... cos usually after this is cleared, he will become focused and then he will ace the exams with ease:)
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