I was having breakfast with a friend the other day and we started exchanging titbits about our life. My friend is a swinging bachelorette who has tonnes of experience dealing with older kids as she helps out often at the Boys Brigade...
And when I started innocently recapping the anecdotes of my precious son.. thinking that she might be amazed or even amused at it, she told me, "Your son is leading your, you shouldn't let him lead you..."
And then she started going on and on about what I was not doing right about my parenting and how I should be changing.
Her case was that I should not be letting my child have a choice all the time. I should also always make sure listens to me immediately and tell him, "Just listen to me, I will explain later..." Just so in case there might be chances in future where you will need him to listen and follow immediately because you have got no time to explain it there and then...
"You will know how important and useful this is when your children grow up... You have to build absolute trust between you and your child and this will save you lots of trouble when they grow up"
Then she cited an example of how in a crowded escalator, for the safety of her niece, her brother (the little girl's father) asked her, "I carry you okie?" and the niece started to stomp and throw tantrum... She, on the other hand just picked the little girl up and that's it. Her brother asked her.. "How come she let you carry but dun let me carry?" Her reply,"Because you asked her for permission..."
Her point is that there are some times you just don't ask permission from your kids or give them too much freedom.
Now, that is totally opposed to the type of parenting style I have been using. Most of the time, I try not to control my kid and let him have the freedom of choice... I have noticed that when it matters and I use my "this is very important" voice, he will still follow immediately...
Control.. I feel, usually just leads to power struggles, which are unnecessary time wasters in relationships.. and as opposed to being a parent, I prefer to be my son's friend...
Of course since he is 3, I know alot more and can guide him more... but I am aware he will eventually grow up and there will have to come a time where I have to let go and just love him from the sides and cheer for him as he makes his own choices in his life.. just like his bestest best best friend ;)
But still, some part of me fell for the trick of the EGO of blaming myself.. "Maybe tat friend is right.. you are such a lousy parent... you will get it or you will know it when your son grows up.. see, he already has such will and is such a mismatcher.. if you cannot control him when he is 3 years old, how are you going to control him when he gets older?"
And that developed eventually into a guilt inside me. That night, while I was making milk for Ace, he was holding on to the ribena cordial on the table.. "Put it back, Ace..." and then i turned back to make milk..
When I turned back again, I discovered that not only did my son not put it back, he actually opened the bottle and started drinking the cordial juice CONCENTRATE straight from the bottle.
"Beep beep!" That ignited the time bomb of guilt within me and I flared up and scolded him... he started crying and when he stopped, I told him that I love him but there are times he has to listen to me... i said put it back, he has to put it back.. i reacted so strongly becuase the juice has alot of sugar inside and it is very unhealthy and bad for his health for him to drink it.
But as i said that, I was also aware that it was actually not a big deal. Just drink more water and keep the bottle lah.... there was no real need to flare up.
Anyway, I realized that my friend is after all not a parent despite her experience.. and most importantly, she is not Ace's parent.. she can do wat she like to her kids and I can do wat I like to mine.
I forgave Ace and forgave myself for it and decided to stick to the parenting method I know and do best.. be my son's best friend :) My mum was a great fren and I turned out great.. if there was one thing i wish my mum did differently it was to have less control on me.. so why should I do unto my son what I did not want my mum to do unto me?:P
I do thank my friend very much cos breakfast that day was her treat and it was yummilicious.. and most impt, her sharing helped me learn a big lesson.. thanks, girl!
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