Bullies

I read in a friend's post on FB that her 7 year old saw another young kid being bullied. They were kicking and calling the poor kid names. She was so upset by it she had good mind to tell the teacher and talk to those kids even though it was not her child who was bullied... and she also made a remark that she cannot take it that the young children have just finished kindergarten and move into a horrible place where bullies seems to rule...

Followed by the post, there were many comments about how bullying is prevelant in their children's classes and many of them shared experiences of their children being bullied. And the worst thing is that when such things happen, even though the teachers are aware, it seems that they usually do not inform the parents... and one kid was so shaken by the experience that he actually could not verbalize what happened and had to draw it out...

Reading that gave me lots of mixed emotions... Bullying is tough... It is not something you can shield your child from.. and it is not something you can prepare your child for.. they will only experience it when it happens and how they react will be based on how much emotional foundation they have had... And I think all children at some point in their lives meet mean and nasty people.. just more of them or less of them.. meet them earlier or later....

And you cannot tell your child when to fight back and when not to do so.. tell them to fight back and it seems like you are promoting violence.. tell them to be GOOD and they get stepped over and bullied even more it seems... there is also no clear rule as to what is the BEST thing to do as each situation is different and happens in a different context...

Some children seem to attract bullies as they seem to not have alot of confidence in themselves.. or they may seem weak or even shy and perhaps they lack the self love to stand up for themselves and tell others to "bug off" and "stuff it"..

As a kid, I was quite well liked and confident... I could articulate my emotions well and I was well like enough tat people I din know very well saved seats for me in the bus.. but that did not prevent me from being bullied ever.. hahahaha:)

I remember that when I was in the school bus when I was primary 1, there was a boy who was in primary 7 who slapped me in the bus for no good reason. I think it was something like he wanted to sit in the seat I was sitting in or something... I felt so humiliated and so upset after that.... Thankfully, I was not traumatized that much.. tat experience made me even more firm about treating people decent... But many years later when I saw the same boy in the neighbourhood I was living in... and then a fully grown adult, I still looked at him with hatred... if looks could kill, I think he would have been dead!:) hahaha (I have been working on forgiving him but I think some part of me still wishes my dagger stares can kill him.. wahahaha)

So whenever I saw my son being bullied, that scene of me being slapped comes up again and I feel hot and angry all over again... But as an agreement, me and Max agreed that we should let children settle their own things themselves... adults only guide but dun interfere... Cos Ace has to learn how to stand up for himself.. he cannot come running to mummy and daddy all the time..

And I think Max has it easier.. cos no one dares to bully him.. he is the sort of guy who when he was in pri  4,  had a primary 7 come disrupt his football game and he will gamely fight the person (while his friends LOOKED ON).. wahahaha.. In another incident, there was a big sized class bully who always disturbed him and so one day, he fed up and just elbowed the bully in the stomach.. The bully's face turned while and NEVER dared to come near Max again.. wahahah:) Now that he is grown up, he has tat type of face you DUN want to mess with:) (When we were touring in China and were having a massage, the massage girls told us the first 30 min they din dare talk to us cos they tot that Max is Gangster Boss! Hahahaahah!)

And like all kids, Ace is no stranger to bullies.. he has been bullied a few times in his life.. and usually not in a way where he is in huge danger but still, he has had his brushes with them..

As a rule, if Ace comes home with a story about him being bullied, I usually asked him what did he do and gave him some suggestions of what he can do the next time this happens...

Usually the suggestions are to ask the person to stop..  I always think we should give people some chance but if they dun listen and keep doing it, the next step actually would be to tell a teacher if he still makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable... "Meeting nasty people or meeting people who behave badly is just a chance for you to practice how to get along with all sorts of different types of people.." I remind him.

Other than tat, I also always remind Ace that people behave badly when they feel bad.. and sometimes, when people behave badly, they are crying for help.. if he feels up to it, he can choose also to get to know the person better and become better friends with the person.... (there have been a few instances where Ace chose this strategy and it worked fine)

The other day, Ace came home from school with some ink marks on his white PE tshirt. I asked him where he got it from and gave him a scolding about taking better care of his things and found out that he totally had no idea that someone drew on his shirt!

The next day, he came home and told me that one of the students in his arabic class (from another class) called R came up to him and asked him..."Did you mummy scold you about your shirt?" And then when Ace nodded.. he added with a smirk that he was the one who drew on Ace's shirt on purpose! What a mean thing to do.. and these children are only like 7-8 years old...

But you know, I thought he was just a mischievous child and so I told Ace to give him a chance and just ask him to stop.. if he doesnt stop the next time, we will tell the teacher. But a few weeks later, while we were chatting, Ace told me and Max that R always seems to mark him out to bully. He always calls Ace names and would always spit at Ace.

That sort of put a different perspective to things and after giving it much consideration, I decided to feedback to the school teacher via the SOS book. I told her that I was not about complaining or getting the little boy punished but I think someone should speak to the little boy and let him understand that these are unacceptable behaviours...

Since we were on the topic of bullies and being mean, I asked Ace if there were other mean children in the school who were mean and he told me that two children in another class called J and A always work in the team to pick on the indian kids. They will call them names and say nasty things like "Indians are all liars!"

(I asked Ace what he did about that and he said he stood up for his friends and told them that "That is not true.. Indians are very kind!")

I explained to him that people lie because they choose to.. people are good or bad because of their choice.. not because of what their race is or what is the colour of their skin. Even some fair skinned people like J and A lie too IF they choose to be a liar...

So I feedbacked this to the school as well.

As Ace can read and knows that I wrote something in his SOS book, I couldnt like feedback quietly. But I didn't want to encourage tatter telling on one's friends and let Ace have the wrong impression that he can just tell tales about his friends and they will all get punished or what by the teacher because of that.. So i told him that I am going to tell his form teacher about what happened... but I am doing it not because i want to complain about the children as I trust he will know how to settle these things himself. But I want to let his teacher know so that she knows what is happening in school as it is her job to know.. and also, perhaps in letting a teacher know, someone can talk to these children and help them understand that these actions are not nice...

|Ace told me his form teacher talked to him and had a little chat.. she asked him why didn't he tell her when it happened and I guess i am also glad that Ace saw this as no big deal and just shrugged it off and went on with his life:) instead of thinking to tell his teachers or complain. The head mistress also wrote me a note saying that she will talk to the whole class of boys about all these behaviours and monitor the situation.. stating that if I am still concerned, I can make an appointment to speak to her..

I quite like the way they handle these things in the school. According to Ace, whenever someone does something mean or bad or wrong... like when Ace started fighting with this kid during class (they were playing fighting game according to Ace), Ace and the boy were punished and asked to sit in a corner.. The next day, when the episode is over, the whole class got a prep talk about how it is not nice to fight and why it is not a good idea...

Maybe I should really just one shot forgive tat slapper bully and the bully in me so tat I wouldnt have to see them appearing in my world again, EVER! Like my teacher said, everything you see in this world and everyone you see in this world is merely a reflection of you and who and what you believe you are... :D

PS: We were talking about the bullying topic again and my son, who is a fan of Bart Simpson and has read a few books about The Simpsons told me that Bart Simpson makes friends with bullies so that they will not bully him... I told him Bart himself IS a bully as he is really mean.. and Ace said he is also going to be friends with bullies as a protection... "And then when i see other chilldren, I will tell them I am a bully.. just to scare them!" He said.. very smug that he came up with such a "clever" idea. I had to explain to him that all the things he read in Bart Simpson book are written as a funny joke. It is funny because everyone knows it is not the right thing to do and people do not take it seriously. If he is going to take Bart's teachings seriously and think that everything inside is real and true, I am going to give away the book and I am never ever going to buy him any simpson book anymore... so he decided to give up the idea of becoming a "bully" or joining the "bully gang"..hahahaha...

PPS: THe other day, Ace came home from school and told me he has a new report on R... that R always likes to kick the soccer ball at him when he is playing...

I just listened to him and asked him what he did. He said he just picked up the ball and return to them lor.

I told him to just look out for the ball if R is playing in the field then. If R makes him uncomfortable or makes him feel like in danger, just tell the teacher then like what his teacher said he should do and afterward, I changed topic.. wahahahaha:)

I hope I am putting across the correct idea that I will listen to him but will not carry tales to his teacher irregardless of what tales he tells me. Also, if you ask me hor, Ace also told me tat this R likes to sit near Ace during all the common lessons they have.. it sounds to me that instead of not liking Ace, this person seems to want to get Ace's attention and wants Ace to notice him and become his friend or something.. hahahahah... you know like how boys are sometimes mean to you because they like you? I wouldnt be surprised if my son were to get over this and extend friendship to this little boy, they might end up very good friends:)

Alas, my son also  said that whenever he saw R, he will run and take alternative route to the places he is going so as go void him "so that he cannot disturb or bully me.." Hahahaha.. I can't say his treategy is not a effective one but I do wish he would be more courageous and stand up to R instead of just hiding.. wahahaha:)

Anyway, I am still with the thinking tat R is just trying to get Ace's attention either becuase he secretly likes Ace (as a person lah)  or wants to befriend him or that Ace has something that he doesn't have...

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