If you have been reading my blog, you would have known that we have been visiting Laoma often in hospital because she had a fall and broke her hip and had to go for surgery and rehabilitation afterwards.
The other day, we were given the good news that Laoma will be due to return home on 16th April and when I met her OT while visiting her, he said tat depending on her mood, she actually can walk 200 meters far with two people holding both her hands as support and we were absolutely delighted.
I still remember that when she got admitted to hospital and we visited her, I was filled with guilt. Cos when she was there, she looked so lost whenever she cannot see her helper. She kept holding on to her hand even though we were her family. It was a good reminder that we should perhaps do more for her...
In her first two weeks in hospital, grandma had various lucid moments. She will ask where is Didi (her second son) and if Ah Hiong (her eldest grandson) if he has eaten. Sometimes she asked for my dad and there was once, her helper said she asked for me too.
Out of my grandma's 8 grandchildren, only myself and another cousin were not working. And due to proximity, very often, the job of taking turns to care for her... or rather, just keeping her company in the hospital fell on the following people... Her helper, my youngest aunty, my mother, my cousin Mei and me.
Very often, these sessions, during those early two weeks were bonding sessions for me and my grandma. One of my teachers told me that when people fall sick, it is a sometimes a call for help and what better way to respond than bond!
Often we will talk about the past, about what she used to cook for us, what we used to do when we went to her house. Grandma is also somehow suddenly lucid and will mention that so and so doesnt visit her often (which is true).
Once, Ace danced for her in the ward and she told him, "You don't stay here you cannot dance here.." Hahaha.. Another time when he danced for her (because he did not know how else to communicate with her), she asked who is this boy and why is he like a girl..
Sometimes she will do funny things like fold or crumple her clothes and say that she is making gao deng guay...
Another time, she would point to the TVs in the ward and say to me that this place is very big and that is why there are alot of people here...
Sometimes, she seem to go back to the past where she ran a provision shop... and she will tell me that this item costs $50 and that item costs $1 and kept reminding me to buy something...
During new year period, she even kept talking about cooking food.. perhaps it reminded her of how she will be bz cooking for us during new year for every second day of the CNY, we will go to her house to gather.. when she was younger, she cooked. But as she got older and her Alzheimer got worse, it became a potluck party...
But after that first two weeks of being chatty, she started to get infections very often and will be sleeping very often when I was there with her. During those times, we were happy to bond just by holding hands. It seems my grandma always slept and rested better when someone was holding on to her hand. Her grip was always firm, strong and warm... like how she is...
One time, while she was asleep and we were holding hands, I used my other hand to prop my handphone and checked facebook. When she woke up and saw me holding my phone, she smiled and said to me, "Shall we throw that away?" I was pretty amazed and found it really funny. By then words sometimes failed her so while perhaps, she may not mean it literally, I got her meaning loud and clear and put away my phone.
She was always happy to see children and always reached out to touch them and say they are good boys and girls.
In her very mindless state where she is just the way she is without any mask or defences, you could tell grandma is a generous person. When she is given food, she will always ask Ace, ask me or even ask her helper if we wanted.. or sometimes when given good food, she will eat and when there is a little bit left, she will insist that we eat it despite us telling her that we have eaten and that we are full. She was always ready to share.
After her operation, she was greatly weakened. She suffered from chest infection often and breathing was often labored and difficult. We found out later that it was because of an aspiration issue where food will go down the wrong pipe and leak into her chest and got that resolved and finally, she was ready to be discharged to go into community hospital.
I still remember the day I went to fetch her to bring her over to the community hospital. She had been sleeping and resting and was a little grouchy... Then I told her that we were going away.. we were going to "eat wind" and she was suddenly happy to get up. Before she left, a young nurse I had never seen before ran to her and said, "Ah Ma!" the nurse put her hands around her face and chest and seemed to be sending her blessings and love and my grandma laughed a hearty laughed. Alzheimer made her able to communicate and bond without saying anything.
She settled in quite nicely in the community hospital in her first day there. The speech therapist came and cajoled her nicely to test if she can speak or swallow properly. She laughed at their jokes. My uncle came and visit and it cheered her greatly as well.
One of the Filiipino nurses asked grandma, "What is your name?" (The nurse confessed later that it is the only hokkien phrase she knows...) Grandma replied, "I don't know..." And then the speech therapist asked her... "Who is Ng YF?" and she absolutely beamed and asked, "How do you know me.. how do you know my name?" She was so happy someone remembered her name!
However, the rehabilitation exercises made her tired. Subsequently, whenever I visited her in the late afternoon or evening, she will be sleeping or having her eyes closed, opening only for a second or two when we called out to her.
Or I will kenna dagger stares from her. Apparently, the lack of fluids in her diet made her skin dry and she often scratched. If we tried to stop her and hold her hands, she gives me a dagger stare and looks away, her mouth in a pout, her mood turning black because she did not get her way and did not get to scratch. Then I will try to hold her hand and tell her, "Don't be angry lah, I hold your hand and don't let you scratch because you might bleed and it will be painful. I don't want you to get hurt.." But she is not easily placated...
Or another time, she was sleepy throughout. She kept closing her eyes and as she had not eaten much, I was tasked with feeding her some ensure. I will rouse her by saying "Coockle doodle doo.... time to wake up, ah ma!" And she will wake and smile and I will feed her some ensure off a small cup. The 250 ml of ensure took me a whole good hour to feed her. I was so proud of myself!
When LKY died, I remembered thinking how lucky that my grandma, who is also 91 managed to battle infection after infection and is still with us. I made a mental note to be even more appreciative of her presence and to move towards her and bond more with her.
But things did not really go the way I expect it to... Right after that, I made two visits... both which ended with her being angry at me for stopping her from scratching herself. She will pout and turn away from me to face another side... Instead of bonding, I was unable to reach out to her!
Then, her mood suddenly seemed to turn for the better. She was engaging and happy for a few days. On her happiest day, her three sons actually visited her together and while she cannot remember them, I think it still unconsciously brought her immense joy.
Last sunday, it was my turn to take care of grandma for 3 hours. Ace said he wanted to go with me but when he found that it was 3 hours, he changed his mind and so I went alone.
When I reached there, my uncle, who had taken the first two hour slot said that she was in a pretty good mood sometimes when he told her she is pretty (she loves to be told that). But sometimes will be a little sleepy and grumpy.
At this moment, she woke, stared at me with suspicious eye and refused to talk to me. When she started scratching herself and I held her hand, she got upset and turned her face over to the other side and refused to look at me. When I tried to hold her hand, she pushed me away did not want me to touch her.
I was thinking why others had the good fortune of seeing her in good mood but not me... but I decided that perhaps the best thing to do was to chant for her and send her love...
Grandma fell asleep and when she woke up, she asked me.. "Who are you? What person are you?" (li si di diang? li simi lang?)
I told her I am her granddaughter, Joo. And since she is teochew and I am her grand daughter, therefore, I am teochew too.
That seemed to click and she put her hand on my shoulder and arm... and kept petting me there as we chatted about the same few topics we usually talked about. It seemed strange to me at that time that she usually merely holds my hand but that day, she kept patting my shoulder and arm and said, "It is ok, go... It is ok, go..." Thinking back, I think she was trying to comfort me in advance..
Anyway, we talked our only trip overseas together... it was a trip to Genting with my cousins, aunty and parents and it was a trip to cheer her up after the passing of my grandfather.
We talked about how during holidays, we will go to her house and stay and she will cook for us, how every morning before she went to market when we were staying over, she will ask us what we wanted and we will always say cai tao kway and soy bean milk and she will buy it. We talked about how she made the best dao yew guay (soy sauce chicken) ever... We talked about how it is my regret that I did not used to know how to cook and now that I do, she is no longer eating solids and will not be able to test my cooking.
While we were chatting, she kept telling, "Nang di ji dao, wu tang jiak, wo tang ng, lua song eh.." (We are here and we have food and can sleep, it feels shiok) I assumed she meant she is in a very happy place now.
Then she looked tired and fell asleep. I whispered to her that I will go buy a drink as I was thirsty and went to get myself a drink and when I came back, she was awake and grumpy again. She did not want to talk to me or look at me... perhaps she was upset when she woke and could not find me.
I held her hand, touched her and told her I am so sorry. I am back her now with her. She fell asleep again.
When she woke, she was affectionate and chatty again. She asked me where is my uncle and I told her he had gone home. I asked her if she wanted to drink Milo and she said ok and so I slowly fed her some. When there was a little bit of Milo left and I told her it is the last bit, she gave me to and kept saying, "You drink... you drink... You don't have, I give you.."
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| Ah Ma drinking her favorite Milo |
As we chatted, she talked about wanting to go somewhere... I asked her where she wanted to go.. she said to go buy something... and then she started touching my face tenderly... like how I have seen her reach out to touch children... she patted my face, my hair and continued to chat with me and tell me, "You can go.. you can go..." before talking about other things with little meaning. I did not have an inkling what she meant then but I think I do now..
She got tired and fell asleep. Then next time she woke, she was very quiet and did not want to talk. The sky was dark and it looked like it was raining.. she kept twitching and I thought she is perhaps cold and put on her cardigan for her... She stopped shivering and twitching but started scratching again cos maybe the cardigan was rough on her skin...
When it got warmer, I removed the cardigan for her and held her hand. As she had Milo, I let her continue to sit upright and seated next to her, I put my head on the bed next to her head. She woke, saw my head right next to hers and smiled and then we started chatting and laughing again. It was the closest I have felt to her in a long while. It felt like we were lying down on bed together and chatting like we used to when I was very very young.
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| In her lighter moments... |
She slept again.. and when she woke, she asked me where is Ace. I told her he was not here cos he was studying and we started talking about how she used to help me feed him, change diapers when Ace was very young and she asked me, "Do you know it was very difficult to feed him?" And we had a good laugh about that. I promised her I will ask Ace to come and dance again for her and she smiled.
We talked about how everyone came to visit her because we care for her and love her.. I told her how thankful I was for her care when I was young and told her that now I am grown up, it is my chance to take care of her and love her...
In my heart, I was saying how nice that I get during this slot to bond with her again.. and not just to give her love, but to actually be able to feel her love for me again. I remembered thinking that I have to blog about this cos this session is extra special... I remembered thinking how lucky I am to be back here in Singapore to be with her again.
She slept and all of a sudden, she started moving her hands in her sleep.... she put her hands together and she chanted.. Nam myo ho ren ge kyo.. nam myo ho ren ge kyo... nam myo ho ren ge kyo... she fiddled the mini u shaped pillow I put on her hands to calm her and went back to sleep.
When she woke, she was grumpy again. Her face was a stonewall of no emotions and she did not want to talk. When it was time for me to say goodbye, she was still grumpy and I just said goodbye and that I will visit her again.
Little did I know, that will be the last time I can talk with my grandmother.
A day later, she suddenly suffered a stroke and went into coma. As the option of brian surgery is complicated, painful and dangerous and her chance of waking for the coma is slim, we have decided to bring her home and find pallative care for her. We have decided to bring her home to die.
When Ace heard about this news, he burst into tears and cried inconsolably... He kept asking why god is so unfair... "Is this a joke, god? This is so not funny ok!" He kept repeating these phrases and cried and cried and cried himself to sleep. It will likely be Ace's first experience of having someone in the family pass on.
Today, Grandma is finally home in her house. When she came back, I held her hand and told her she is home.. she gripped my hand tightly and held on while mumbled something. I take it to mean she is really happy to be back home cos afterward, she seem to fall into sleep.
I had a chat with my aunty and we were discussing our options and whether grandma will wake up from her coma again. Chances were slim and she said simply, "Grandma is just coming home to die.." and she teared. At that, I teared too.
We talked about how we both feel grandma is in a peaceful and happy place and that she is ready to go based on the indication she has given us. Aunty said her friend who does energetic healing says Grandma is ready to move on and go... she also said that grandma is a strong woman whom, if were to be born today, will be a very strong and successful business woman. I made a mental note to remember this the next time I feel weak instead of empowered.
My aunty said I should inform my cousins to tell my grandma any last words they might have and after I did that, I thought about what last words I might have. After giving it a long and hard thought, I realized that I do not have any last words for her for all I have wanted to say to her, I have already said to her that fateful sunday during our last conversation.
I told Ace that Laoma is ready to go and that we should let her go. But he still firmly believes that she wants to get better and that she WILL get better. It is very difficult for him to understand that if grandma is ready to move on, so should we be ready to let go...
I am still sad but as I grief and cry, I am slowly letting her go.
Ah Ma, if you think your time is up and that you no longer want to be in pain. You can go. You can be with Yeye again. I will take good care of myself and my family. I will take good care of my father and mother. I will remember all the love you had for me and pass it on. I will remember all the happy times we had and keep you forever in my heart. I love you... Thank you...
God bless her..
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