Bliss And Happiness

Ace and Laoma...
Taken about a year ago when we were back visiting from Dubai...

Today, after guitar class, we went over to visit grandma.

As I held her hand, I noticed her hands are not so warm... Her fever has subsided. However, there seem to be liquid in her lungs and she cannot take too much liquid now.

Yesterday, when I visited her, she was able to grasp my hand tight and make noises to tell me... she even scratched herself when she felt her leg was itchy.

Today, when I saw her and held her hand, she could no longer hold me in a tight grip. As I talked to her, she could no longer mumble in response... she only managed to do a nonchalant yawn and also to squeeze her features together in a response...

I thought I did not have much to say to her anymore but as I looked at her, tears started flowing out and falling off my face... As I held her hand, I told grandma how thankful I am of her love she has showered not just on me but also on my family. I told her how thankful I am of her always helping my dad out when I was younger and when I was much older, always helping me out by taking care of Ace as well. I told her that I love her very much and when she leaves, I will miss her but I will put her in my heart... If she feels it is time to go... please go in peace because I am a big girl now and I can take care of myself... I will take good care of myself and I will take good care of my family..... and I will also take care of my parents... she can rest in peace... I know that she will be always looking over us from up there and that I am glad she can be reunited with my Yeye again...

I did not want her to feel like she cannot bear to leave if she wants to but yet, I cannot help crying.. and as I cried and cried, Ace tried to comfort me.. my grandma responded by scrunching her face... I know she must be asking me not to cry..

So I tried to calm down and I told her that I will be ok... and that while I havent had the chance to tell her this, I love her very much and I am very thankful to her.

Then, I closed my eyes and held my grandma's hands and tried to connect with her energetically, to my amazement, all I felt was bliss and happiness... tears started flowing again as I received all this love she had for me and experienced this happiness with her. I am now more certain than ever that my grandma is ready to pass on...

I asked Ace if he had anything to say to grandma. Yesterday he just wanted to say, "I love you.." and today, he spoke in mandarin and said, "对不起laoma，我没有常常来看你。我知道你一定会坚持下去。“

I am so surprised he actually knows the chinese phrase "坚持". It seems that Ace is still having problems accepting that Laoma is going to die soon. When we tried to talk about this topic yesterday, Ace declares that he is sure that Laoma wants to get better and will get better and live a long long life.

When I explained to him again today that Laoma has had a full life and she is ready to go, we have to let her go and she can move on to a happier place... It is possible that holding on is tough for her since she can no longer move or do anything...

I think he is starting to slowly accept because tonight when we revisited the topic again, he says.. he thinks maybe laoma can at least hold on for another two months.... When I asked why two months.. he said he just thinks she will hold on longer.. if not, then maybe just a little bit longer lah.. cos this month is not a good month to die and today is also not a good day to die as people shouldnt die on odd numbered days..

Anyway, I told Ace that i promised laoma he will dance one more time for her and so, he must dance for her even if she cannot see him... and so, when no one was in the room, we went in and he started dancing with all his might... then when the helper suddenly walked in with the nurse, he got embarassed and said that was the end of his dance.

When I got home, there was a black moth on the wall. I wondered if the moth was my grandfather.. So I asked a few questions while picking off cards from a card deck I use often for problem solving..

- Are you Yeye? - NO
- Are you Ah Ma? -NO

- Did Ah Ma send you here to watch over me? - YES
- Please tell her I am ok and that I will be ok and that I love her. - OK

And the card for OK was actually the LOVE card in the deck, it is one of the 4 special pink cards in the entire deck.

Yes grandma, I know I am loved... :) I love you too!

PS: My cousin messaged me and asked me what is Grandma's chinese name. I called my dad and we were both very paiseh when we realized that we both do not know my grandma's chinese name.. we knew it in dialect as it was her NRIC name but not in Chinese. I messaged my aunty and found out that my grandma's chinese name is 黄迎芳. Gosh, what a beautiful and meaningful name. It means like welcoming a breath of fresh air or welcoming beauty. 

16 April 2015

I had wanted to meet up with my friend for breakfast before going over to visit my grandmother.

Just as I was about the leave the house, my grandmother's helper sent me a whatsapp message where my grandma was making mumbling noises... that sounded like "come, come come.." in teochew.. and then the helper asked.. "Ask who to come? Ask xxx? Ask YYY? Ask everyone to come?" And to all these questions, she gave a very loud and affirmative "Ng!"

And then she told me she even asked specifically for names which she pronounced loudly. Only things is that her eyes were closed. I took that as a sign that grandma wanted to see everyone one last time and so I messaged my cousins and asked everyone to drop by or pray for grandma if they can.

I rushed out of the house and waited for a cab but no cabs came. I was tearing uncontrollably by the roadside and wishing for a cab to come by quickly and finally, a lone cab approached me and I managed to flag it down.

Uncle did not seem to know where my grandma's house was when I gave him the address and I told him I will give him instructions.

"Thank you.." he said.

"No, I should thank you.." I replied.. on the verge of tears... "I am rushing to see my grandma for the last time and I waited so long and no cab came.. thank goodness you came.." I told Uncle as I choked up again. Uncle paused as if he did not know what to reply but I think he understood that I just wanted to thank him for appearing when I needed a cab.

I reached my grandma's house and true enough, even though grandma had her eyes closed and she was mumbling.. sometimes loudly, sometimes softly... Most of the time we could not understand what she was saying but there were times where she named names loud and clear...

Within two hours, all her children and grandchildren came back to see her. As her 4 children came together and stood around her bed in a circle... I had a vision of something like a black smoke lifting up from her body. I was not sure what that was but as she is still mumbling, I guess it is some sort of energy. Everyone thought this is goodbye... She kept talking and mumbling.. sometimes very loudly too. Her hands started waving around too. Once she actually started chanting nam myo ho ren ge kyo twice!

After an hour or so, she started to calm down a little and miraculously, she seemed to look like she is getting better. She moved more, she talked louder and now that everyone is assured that grandma seems to be getting better, everyone went back to work and doing what they should be doing.

I had some private time with grandma and while mumbling, she asked me, "dfsifsdoifsdafsdifsdiofid, ai mai.." which is how she will usually phrase her questions to me when I visited her in hospital when she is in a chatty mood. Her waving of hands in the air, her scratching her nose, her way of talking... all were like what she will usually do on a good day... except... her eyes were closed and her talking was mostly mumbling.

Ace had swim lessons that day and after swim lessons, he came over and while me, Max and Ace were in the room, grandma started to wave her hand around.. I asked if she wanted to hold my hand and she kept taking her hand out of my grip. So I asked if she wanted to hold Ace's hand. Interestingly, when Ace held her hand, she let him hold his hand.. Ace held Laoma's hand in silence and stared at her. I did not know what was going through his mind but after a few minutes, I noticed that his eyes seemed wet... 

"Are you crying?" I asked Ace.. and with that question, tears started flowing down Ace's eyes silently.. I hugged him and told him that there was no need to feel sad because I was certain that Laoma is going to a better place...

With that, I think likely, that will be Ace's last goodbye.

While everyone is hopeful that grandma seems to be stronger, (cos even her vital stats were better), I was also worried this may be what the chinese call 回光返照。

When I reached home, I was so tired I literally fainted on bed. But it was a fitful night. I woke in the middle of the night to check my phone, worried that I will get any calls that will deliver any bad news.

17 April 2015

After the false alarm the day before, I thought it best still to spend whatever time I have with my grandmother and so after Ace went to school, I cleaned up the house and went over to spend time with her.

Grandma looked very peaceful. Her helper said she continued to mumble non stop till 1am and finally stopped. Perhaps she was really tired and finally slept.

When I arrived, she was still "asleep".

My aunty sent me a message and said that her healer friend said that Grandma's spirit, after yesterday's release and also after she has seen everyone she wanted to see, is now finally ready to go. However, as all mortals are fearful of death, she is unsure where to go and so, she says we should all pray and chant for her as we are her family and our prayers are especially powerful...

Whenever we have a chance, we should always remind her that she will go to a better place and that there is nothing to fear as she will go to buddha's pureland.

When I got the message, me, my mother and my second aunty were in the room and so I explained the message to them and the three of us started chanting... I asked for help from all friends in higher places and I could literally feel a strong power and group of people supporting me energetically. When I held my grandma's hand and connected with her however, I noticed that she felt a little sad to be leaving.

My second aunty went home and my dad arrived with some lunch for mum and me. I explained the message to Dad and mum suggested that perhaps we can go and have lunch and he can sit here and chant for grandma. My dad agreed and sat down, held grandma's hand and started chanting fervently. My dad seldom chants. But when he does, it is always fervently, with his entire being.

I had a quick lunch and when I went back into the room and saw his expression, I realized that while he was acting all cool and saying things like "This is inevitable, grandma already had good life... " he was really sad that this affinity and relationship of 68 years is finally coming to an end. Whenever my dad visits grandma, he will call her.. "Ah Soh" (he calls her that because when he was young, he fell sick and she "gave" him to the goddess and he is thus now the goddess's son instead of hers and cannot call her mum) and he will sit there and watch her quietly... the man of few words he is. But he never stopped caring for her in his own way.

I took a picture of my dad chanting and sent it to my sis. She said that when she saw that picture, she couldnt help but tear...

When I had some time alone with grandma later, I chanted and also repeated to her that she can do whatever she likes and if she wants to leave, she just has to follow the buddha. There is no need to fear and that if she is afraid, she just needs to chant nam myo ho ren ge kyo and she will be protected and if she just follows the light, or the buddha or hold the hands of her loved ones.. she will be able to get to a good place.. a paradise where she will be at peace and happy. Strangely, many times after I say this, she will started chanting once or twice. It was as if she heard me.

By the late afternoon, I connected with her again and realized that she is no longer sad... nor is she frightened. I felt my crown buzzing with lots of energy and for a moment, I actually had a vision where I saw the buddha picked her up. But they just stood there and did not move. I feel more assured.



As I was seated there, I was looking at the quilted blanket that was laid out in front of me. It brought back so many memories. There was a piece of cloth from Grandma's curtain in her old house, a piece from my aunty's pillowcase, some pieces from her old clothes, some pieces from clothes she made for my dad, some pieces from clothes she made for my deceased grandfather.. and even some pieces from the PJs tat she made for me when I was young. Each piece of jewel was a treasured memory of my childhood. 

Grandma started "waking up" in the afternoon and started mumbling... albiet less frequently than before and also in a softer voice than before. Her actions were far and few in between and while she still moved, the lesser resistance showed that she is getting weaker. ONce when I was chatting with her helper, we made a joke and laughed.. I saw grandma's stomach vibrate as if she was laughing with us.. when I made another joke later in the evening, she even made some sounds tat sounded like "hehehe.." It was like how she will laugh when I joked with her when I visited her in hospital.

It was my mother's birthday and so in the evening, my sis bought a cake and we lit a candle and sang happy birthday in grandma's room so that grandma can "join in" the celebration.

I felt good at the end of the day because I was feeling more and more bliss and happiness when connecting with grandma as the day drew on... also because I felt close to her again and was thankful I had so much time with her today.

I am really thankful towards Max because he had been returning home early to wait for Ace or fetching Ace from school so that I could spend time with grandma.

I went to bed that night, tired but happy and nevertheless still a tad worried of the phone ringing in the middle of the night.

18 April 2015

I had wanted to bring Ace out as it was a Saturday today. But aunty told me in the morning that grandma's breathing was sometimes laboured... and I thought, it might be better to bring him for breakfast and go spend time with grandma after that.

Today is an important day. Today is where the last of the doctor's prescription for the drip will end. 

You see, grandma is blessed. Under normal circumstances, she WILL NOT be given a drip prescription at all as patients who return home usually do not get drip unless they have a professional nurse at home.

Grandma got the drip because the consultant doctor in charge at the A&E that day was someone who actually knew her. He was a counterpart of my Aunt's boss and has spoken to my aunt before.. he also visited her a few times in CGH when he was free and helped provided suggestion to her treatment options. So when he saw grandma and spoke to her doctor and my aunt, he approved the drip, picked the up and stuffed them to my aunt.. saying that he will give them permission to take these home. The nurses were so upset they actually got the sister to come and take a look. But as he was consultant.. which I guess is big shot in the hospital... the sister said to go ahead.

On top of that, my aunt's boss whose father had a few nurses had one spare nurse since he was away on a trip. The nurse agreed to come over to help out for the next few days till the father returned home on sunday. She even cancelled her off day on Sunday to specially come and help as a show of support.

Now that the drip prescription is ending, the doctor will be coming and giving his suggestions for what we can do and we are going to have a family meeting with the doctor at 5pm.

When I arrived, grandma was still sleeping in the room. She seems to breathing hard and so the nurse propped her up a little and that seemed to help. But she started having this gargling sound coming from the throat not long after. We are not sure what that sound might be. My aunt says that it could be phelgm but it could also what the pallative care personnels call the death rattle...

Apparently, when people are about to die, they lose the ability to swallow their saliva and so there is this gargling sound or choking sound which can be heard as early as three days before they leave.

Thankfully, the nurse changed her position a little and the gargling sound stopped. She looked peaceful once again.

Today, I noticed that she has little movement. She looked like she wanted to lift her hand but had no strength. Her head was warm to touch as well. When I chanted to her or continued to encourage her to chant along and assure her that she will move to a better place, instead of chanting aloud, she only moved her lips like she was chanting. When I connect with her energetically, there is lots of buzzing in my crown chakra and it felt like some download was coming in. It is not the same blessing feeling i was used to it was something else... but it is certainly getting stronger and stronger...

My aunty messaged me and said her healer friend said that grandma's physical body has started to detach from her body and that grandma is no longer fearful.

I was glad for grandma. But I was having problem staying in the room as I started to sneeze terribly.. my old problem of a sensitive nose acting up.. I was super tired and I was feeling terrible. In the end, I just sat outside in the living room to rest while I chanted in my heart.

Ace said a few words to laoma and started playing by himself in the living room. He was really happy when his cousins arrived and he had more people to play with. 

The doctor examined Grandma and had a discussion with us afterwards.

He started by introducing himself and explaining how grandma got to this point she is today.. starting from the day she fell. He paused before giving us our options and asked if anyone had any questions.

My uncles started asking questions.. everyone was concerned with whether grandma will wake up and whether there might be a miracle. Dr said it is unlikely she will and if she will, she will only be able to open her eyes and nothing more. Plus she is suffering from a chest infection now and is also having fever..  it is likely she will recover if we treat it but it will likely recur due to fact that she is lying down all the time.

We now had three options. Option one will be to send her to hospital to get everything treated before we make any decisions.

Option two will be to put a tube through her nose down into her stomach and we will also be able to feed her medication and also food to sustain her life...

Option three will be to pull out drip and catherer so she no longer feels any pain and alleviate/manage whatever discomfort or pain she might have the best we can through suppositories and also through other modes of care.

"Before you think about what choice to, I will like you to also think about this.. if she were to wake up and be clear minded for only 10 minutes. WHat do you think she might say or want.."

Actually, we discussed this the day before when me, aunty and my mum were chatting. If it were grandma, she would have said, "Forget the hassle.. I don't want to trouble anyone!" Plus when she was a young 50 years of age, she already told my mum she doesnt want to die a long, painful death but prefers to die quick and easy if she is every sick. I shared this and all my grandma's children unanimously agreed that grandma will like to choose option 3 and that we will all vote for option 3.

My uncle asked the doctor what is his opinion and Doctor explained also that the tube down the throat was not meant to be used as a way to extend the life of coma patients but to save lives. It is a very unpleasant and painful thing and there is risk tat tube may puncture the lung too. Many times, a decision was made to do that because family cannot let go.

With that, the doctor ended the meeting and said, "That is a very good decision I can tell you... I will now remove her drip and everything else.." It was heartbreaking and I couldnt help but tear... My sister was crying too...

"Don't cry.." My eldest uncle said to everyone. "Grandma had a good and long life and has a large family.. she is blessed. We have made this decision out of no choice but for her sake. We should not quarrel about this aftewards and we should be united.. That is what she will have wanted... we shouldnt stop seeing each other too and should make effort to meet at least once a year..."

Though I agree, I couldnt help but feel heartbroken at the thought that this time is goodbye for real... Doc says she can last no more than a few weeks and I am not sure whether to hope for her to last longer or shorter.

When I told grandma's helper S, she teared... she has always been close to grandma and obviously loves her very much too. But I guess she understands too that this is inevitable...

I asked one of my teachers and friend, Lency, how I could help grandma along in her last journey and she said, "What I notice is just how close heaven leans towards us our loved one is received. They are still very much with the family in those first 40 days. Just cherish her and tell her again and again how much you love her. It makes them so happy to know you know you love them."
Tomorrow, when I see her again, I will do just that.Ah Ma, 我真的很爱很爱你。