The Day Ace Attempted To Commit Suicide

I have always thought of myself as a pretty okay parent. Granted, I am not perfect. But as someone who has spent the last 9 years attending psychology workshops and someone who has just finished facilitating a 12 module Conscious Parenting workshop, I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Even my friends who read my blog frequently tell me that they think I am a good parent. And I try to be.. or work at it despite all my shortcomings...

But on 7th July 2015, my son did something that only someone with a "bad" parent might do. He tried to commit suicide by jumping off the third storey of the school building. He was unsuccessful because his friends pulled him back.

Let me just say that there were no "warning" signs other than that we noticed he doesnt jump off bed, ready to get to school and always sleeps and sleeps till he is almost late! Max said it was a sign of bad attitude. I thought it was a sign that he needed to go to bed even earlier.

In our daily interactions, he is still a happy smiley boy. Just the day before, we were having dinner together and discussing about school and he was telling me about who and who quarrelled in school and telling me about some new youtube videos he watched that were very funny. We held hands when we were walking on the street and chatted and as he had no homework, he was given time to just watch some videos and play with the new lego set that Ah Yee had bought him for his birthday.

Then today at around 3plus in the afternoon, I recieved a call from one of his teachers in school. She said he is not feeling so well and asked if I could come and pick him up.

That morning, Ace told me his nose was bleeding but I couldnt see any blood and so I told him to just go to school. If he bleeds, just lean forward for the blood to flow out and not get stuck. I thought perhaps he caught a cold again or that he had a nose bleed.

As I was walking to school, I was also thinking about how my teacher, Hideaki, told us that we have to invite "god" into our relationship with the people around us .. I chanted in my heart and asked Gohonzon to please bless Ace that he is ok and  to bless our relationship too. Little did I know how important this prayer was.

However, when I reached his school, his teachers looked flustered and were looking for a room to talk to me. But I was under the impression I could just pick him up and go. That was when I realized something happened. I thought perhaps he fought with someone. Or that he got injured in some way.

After we sat down, his teachers started telling me what happened.

Apparently, Ace was supposedly looking down and upset already. During Chinese lesson when they had a relief teacher for the day because his Chinese teacher was on reservist, Ace asked the teacher for permission, went out of the room and tried to jump off the building. His friend noticed that he was doing that and ran out to pull him back. Afterwards, he tried again, this time succeeding to put on leg on the railing and a group of his friends rushed out to pull him back.

Interestingly, at this point, the teacher kept telling me that he must be very well liked because there was like this whole gang of kids going over to pull him back and fuss over him, buy him a drink. They even knew exactly what drink to buy him...

So leh, while they let him go about his day in school, they talked to his friends and asked them to keep an eye on him and not let him do anything silly.

The teachers asked me if anything happened at home but I could not think of any. The teachers said they were surprised because Ace is such a happy boy in school. He was always happy and always surrounded by friends and he was also brilliant in that he was quick to pick up. Only thing was that he tended to take a long time to finish his work as he tended to lose focus.

So one of the teachers said she took him one side and counseled him and talked to him and according to this teacher, they are very concerned because when she asked him what he was doing, he said he was trying to commit suicide.

She asked him if he knew what committing suicide meant, and he said he did. It meant that he will die and go to heaven. She asked him if he knew that means he cannot see his parents and he says he knows. "But it is ok, when they grow old, they will die and we will see each other in heaven again."

So the teacher thought he really knew what he was doing and really meant to die. So it was like a big thing and as I sat there and listened to them, (the VP, form teacher and subject head were there with me) I couldnt help but tear.

They tried to comfort me, offer me tissue.. asked me to be strong.. But I told him, "It's ok, dun mind my tearing, it is natural for a parent in this situation to feel sad and tear.." and I tear my tears  while feeling my heartbreak and she continued to tell me some of what other things Ace said...

• He said he knows that both me and his dad love him very much but he feels it is not enough
• He wished he had more attention from us. Eg, he made a nice lego model and we just say it is very nice and asked him to expand it and then we went back to watching tv
• He said his dad likes to go drinking and after drinking, he always happy. But he always goes late at night, when he comes home happy, Ace is already asleep. "I never get to see my daddy happy.. everytime I see only angry him and he always scolds me..."
• He told his teachers about how once when his dad was drunk his dad almost hit him.
• He feels stressed that he now has to go for chinese tuition
• He feels stressed that he has to practice guitar more now that he has been promoted to level 1 because when he practices more, his hands hurt and his fingers are painful
• He feels stressed that he now has to take more more family duties like helping to fold clothes
• He feels stressed that he has to be responsible for his own things. Eg he lost a pair of pants and so he has to save up to buy another pair.
• He feels upset that me and his dad are always busy with so many things and leaving him at his grandparent's place. He wishes that we will spend more time with him.
• He says when we bring him out, it is usually with our friends and he will play lego with the other children but I will just be chatting with my friends and he is not included.

His form teacher says she feels likely that Ace is not well adjusted to life here (more homework etc) and that I should let him know that life is different that he HAS to adapt. I am thankful for her concern but I am so sure this is not helpful to this situation.

They asked me what I feel may have contributed to this behavior. And I thought perhaps it has been because I did not spend enough quality time with him over the past few months or that we did not bring him out often enough...

Anyway, his CCA ended and so I held his hand and walked home with him. As we were walking, I was tearing..

"Are you crying?" Ace asked me..

"What do you think?" I asked him... Thank god that for some unknown reason, I felt the urge to put on my sunglasses that day.

As I felt that I was able to talk, I told him that I am not angry with him, nor am I upset with him. I am just very heartbroken that he did not treasure himself and will think of hurting himself so badly like killing himself. I told him I had spoken to his teachers and they have told me what happened. But as we are so close to each other and have a even stronger bond between him and his teachers, I know we can be totally honest with each other about what happened and so I will like to hear from him his side of the story. I told him that he doesnt have to talk to me now but he can talk to me when he is ready.

After that, we walked in silence for another 5 minutes, his hand in mine. I noticed that his hand did not grab mine tightly like he usually does and so I held on tight... But I also noticed that if I relaxed my grip, he will hold on tighter.

5 min later, I felt like he could be ready to share and I asked him if he was ready to talk. And he said yes... and this is his version to me about what happened.. We sat down, side by side on a bench at the playground. I suddenly feel like a PoV trainer.. who picked a focus person and I asked myself.. what will my trainer friends do or say. I know they will be guided by their inspiration and so I asked for help from the heavens and started asking Ace questions so that he can tell me more..

• Ace said that someone pushed him during chinese class and his classmate E tried to stand up for him and the two of them started quarrelling.
• He felt very agitated by the noise and suddenly had the idea of just wanting to end it all to find PEACE
• So he walked to the corridor with the intention to jump over. However, Edric saw him and ran over to hold him back.
• By then, the rest of the classmates rushed out to him and someone started laughing at him and saying that he is stupid and just trying to get attention. So he got agitated and tried to jump again, this time he managed to get one leg over and his friends pulled him back.
• His friends then fussed over him and they circled him when they were going to science club to protect him and because he was still mighty upset, he wanted to vent his frustrations and he tried to bang his head against the wall and he got stopped by a teacher.
• He said he did not know what came over him when he did all these but I know that all that he told his teachers were contributing factors, I think he was perhaps mindful of not hurting my feelings and therefore he said he did not know why. I told him that I understood him well enough to know that what he told the teacher was true as well.
• I asked him if he did it because he really wanted to end his life or was it because he was trying to ask for help or call for love. He said he was trying to ask for help with this action.
• I asked him very much later during a happy moment we had where we were very connected if he really meant to jump down and he said actually if it really came right down to it, he wouldnt jump.
• Anyway, he promised me that he will not do this again and he apologized to me and his dad for doing something silly like that.

I felt it was enough sharing and so I said we should go home. Ace asked if we can go and eat ice cream. I told him there is ice cream at home and so we went home.

When we reached home, just before I opened the door, he hugged me and told me, "Mummy, I am so sorry that I tried to do something so silly. I won't do it again.." And I hugged him tight and told him that he has to remember that we love him no matter what.

When we opened the door, we realized that his dad was home already and his dad asked what happened. Ace asked if I could tell his dad on his behalf. I asked him to tell his dad himself.... but he asked me to tell his dad..

Then I asked him to go change out of his uniform while I fill his dad in and as I was recounting what I heard from the teacher to Max, I saw Max's eyes started to turn red. I understood how heartbreaking it was for him to hear that. As a defense, his first reaction was to get angry...

When Ace was done, I asked Ace to apologize to his dad. Max couldn't contain himself and asked Ace why he did something so stupid when they just talked about how stupid it is to try to kill urself to solve a problem.

I asked Ace to go bath and explained to him that daddy is feeling upset. We talk to daddy later..

I talked to Max and told him that I think Ace is doing this for attention and even if he has a very good point, we likely have to first give him what he wants before he will open his ears to really listen to what we want to tell him. If we scream at him, it is not really helpful for anyone...

"But you did not give me a chance to finish mah.." Max said.

I realized that maybe he has things he will like to say to Ace too...

So I went to talk to Ace. I told Ace that Daddy is angry now.. cos daddy is a independent man. People who are independent do not like to show their feelings and do not like to feel negative feelings. FOr us, when we feel negative we may say it out or cry but they don't. Daddy's eyes were so red just now. I think he is very sad... and very heartbroken... But being independent, he tried to protect himself by feeling angry and that is why he was shouting at him.

But I told Ace, I think daddy has things he want to tell him too.. is he willing to listen even if daddy is angry? He said he is willing and asked me if I think daddy will forgive him. I told him daddy is his father... of cos will forgive him no matter what.. but we need to give daddy time..

While he was bathing, Ace was hit by an inspiration. He finished bathing, ran out naked and said excitedly, "Mummy, I know why I was not successful in committing suicide.. cos last night when I was in my room  I chanted nam myo ho ren ge kyo! Gohonzon saved my life!!!!! Gohonzon is so great!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" So happy that he is alive and so happy tat gohonzon is great and saved him.

I also tried to address some of the things Ace told his teachers. Eg, I told him..  We are just asking for his help when we asked him to help fold clothes..  If just folding clothes is so difficult till have to go and die... then i will be dead many times over lor.. cos I am housewife, have to cook, clean house and clean toilet.. and Ace giggled.

Then hor, Ace went  to pack his room and fold all the clothes... after he finished, he came to me and said, "Mummy, I already be good boy.. pack my room and fold clothes.. do you think daddy will forgive me now?"

I asked him to be brave and just go and say sorry to daddy.

In the end hor, Ace went over to his dad and his dad just told him to remember to love himself.. cos if you dun love yourself, no one will love you.. and gave him a tight hug that lasted a minute or so...

Before bedtime that night, we read a book and chatted. I highlighted to him the things that people around him have done for him to show him love.I explained to him that however, love awaits not on time but on welcome... so if he does not open the door of his heart, no matter what we do, he also will not feel love or appreciate all we have done for him. So I reminded him to have to learn to count his blessings and and open his heart to receive love.

I have also explained to him that everyone has days where they feel down or upset. But there is always a way to manage those negative emotions. He has various options in that he can ask for help from me or his dad.. he can talk to his friends or his teachers... he can exercises or make something.... or he can even pray and ask for help from the heavens and chant in his heart to ask Gohonzon to help.

Just before he went to bed, he told me on his own accord that he will go and talk to his friends and all the teachers and apologize for his behavior. I reminded him that he has to be grateful and thankful for everyone's concern and love too and he said ok:)

I asked Max later why he didnt say anything else or scold Ace in the end... he said after he cooled down, he said he realized also that there is nothing to scold and nothing else to say..

 The next day, Ace went to school happy, played happy during recess (according to his teacher) but he said he got depressed when he was sent to a different class from his friends during chinese lesson and so he thought of doing it again but he noticed he had this thought and quickly asked to see Mr S, the school counsellor.

By day 3, his teachers and counsellor said he is well back to normal.

On my part, I have been asking for help from friends, sharing with my friends and their willingness to listen to me, give me advice and when they tell me how they can feel my heartbreak and were crying, I at least feel that there are pple who understand and support me.

Of course I asked myself what I could have done better but I am also careful not to blame myself and feel guilt as it is not helpful to the situation.

Upon self reflection, I admit that I may have put my pain or issues more important than bonding with Ace. I have spent less quality time with him and hugged him less and he really needs these things as an outlet to manage stress and negative emotions tat he feels. I have noticed some signs but thought it was part of his growing up.

But i am thankful that this happened right after a workshop where I feel a little more centrered and I am grateful I have so many supportive friends sending love to us.

Someone told me that perhaps my child was acting out our death temptation and reminding us we are in dead zone. And it is a reminder for us to commit and choose life. I understand that.

Someone else  told me that perhaps our son is trying to send a message with his actions and wanting to bring me and Max together to bond together. She suggested that we have deep conversation with each other as  a family. Someone else said it is perhaps time for me to choose to break out of my cocoon and become a beautiful butterfly that will make my husband feel proud and happy that he has a happy, beautiful wife.

I do think there is some truth in all that they say. And I am still working on clearing whatever emotions I feel, working on learning to trust gohonzon and surrender to the process.

If you ask me, I am more or less confident that Ace will walk out of this lah. But of course I think still have to be a little more careful and at the same time, as I move closer to support him, I am also careful not to overindulge him lest he thinks this is a good strategy to get attention.

If you ask me though, I actually worry about his dad more:) This must be such a rude, hard shock. First two days, it was so painful for him to talk about this issue that anytime we talked about it, I can feel his strong sense of heartbreak and failure and can see his eyes turning red. I can see all his pain but I cannot seem to walk too close... so I try my best to use humour to cheer him up, to show him concern while giving him space. I pray and hope that Max will feel comfortable about communicating and will be open to seeking help...

Anyway, a week into this, I think Ace is quite well adjusted and back to normal. He told me not to worry for him anymore as he is more or less back to normal. However, he says he sometimes feels fear that he will do silly things again..

I explained to him that everyone has thousands of thoughts going through their mind everyday and often, not all of these thoughts are happy and positive... So that is why we need to learn how to manage them maturely by either feeling any negative emotion they may bring us to melt it away and also consciously making a different choice to take a step away from darkness and a step closer to love.

One of his friends went home and made him a gift.

Though it was a small gesture, I am so grateful for the huge support that his friends have given him. And looking at it, I think it speaks volumes of E's kind heart. Till today, Ace's teachers are still updating me about his status in school.

Anyway, Ace told me that he wants to become a counselor when he grows up. I asked him why and he said it felt good to help people. I told him that he can do so by getting a counselling degree.. or "you could attend POV with me.. haha" And Ace says he doesnt want to do the POV type of courses.. "I want to do counselling course and get degree so that everyone knows tat I am certified counselor.." And he added that he just wants to be counselor in school and not any other type of counselor. I think guess Mr S, his school counselor will be pleased to hear that:)

PS: Ace's Sunshine AUnty called me and told me that he shared about the incident during the JPD meeting.. and they were so surprised.. they told him he is very brave to share. I asked him why did he share... he said he wanted to share to help others and let them know not to have suicidal thoughts and that if they do, Gohonzon can help them:)

Previous Post: Dong Dong Chiang Lion Dance

Dong Dong Chiang Lion Dance

During CNY, I thought about buying a mini Lion for lion dance because I remembered that when Ace was around Cay's age, he loved doing lion dance. I asked his mum and his mum say dun want lah.. wait he very noisy..

So I didnt.

But then Cayden went on to develop his interest in Lion dance to the extent that he insisted that his Mum had to call him Cayden Lion Dance Gor Gor if she wanted him to do something:)

And everytime I visited my mum.. Cay will ask me, "Ah Yee, do you want to play Dong Dong?" Initially I was like.. "What is dong dong..." and I only found out that it meant "dong dong chiang" much later.. hahaha...

He started to mull over my cousin's lion dance videos (my cousin is a lion dance troupe leader and has been doing it for more than 15 years) and will beat the drum and got "HOO!" or "HA!" like the people in the video.

He started using blankets and toy boxes as his Lion Head and got very involved. Sometimes he will ask Ace to join him and ask Ace to carry him like those stunts you see the Lion dance people do...

And then, his godma bought him a Lion Head.

Now Ace has recently started becoming very upset with Cay for no good reason. I think he is jealous of all the attention that Cay gets and he is upset that whenever Cay is around, everyone's attention is on Cay and not on him. I reminded him that he has to play a part as he is the one who always hides in the bedroom playing with his phone or popo's tablet.. so he cannot blame other people for that.

It did not help also that Cay was sometimes in the mood to play but not the mood to share and they always want the same toys lor. Hahahaha.. So Ace got upset and always did not want to play with Cay for a while... He actually cheers when he finds out that he will be going to Popo's house and it will be in his words, "Cayden-less" instead of "Cayden-full"...

I was a little disturbed and told Ace that Cayden is family and that I will really hope to see him maintain good relationship with Cay and be a good elder brother.

The turning point to this came when during Ace's birthday, Cayden sang him a very cute birthday song... and Ace's heart started to melt... hahahaa..

And then, another critical aspect of this was that Cayden's godma bought him a Lion head. Cay was overjoyed... and the very sweet and clever Cay went to his godma and asked if she could buy on more Lion Dance "because I want to share with gor gor.." hahahaha..

The boys finally found something that they can finally play together very happliy WITHOUT quarrelling!

Maybe because the lion needs TWO pax to play mah.. Maybe it is cos they can take turns to be at the head. Maybe it is very fun because they also came up with their own variations like the Lion Dance motorcyle.. hahaha .. somehow, something clicked now they are always wanting to play together.

After they played one whole day together and did Lion Dance together... they are now like best of friends.. Ace asked if he could go to Popo house JUST to  play with Cay and C everyday gor gor this and gor gor that now...

But I think perhaps it is also because we have given Ace a little more attention and he no longer feels a need to fight for attention as it is enough for him.

Anyway, my sis says tat it seems that Lion Dance is the ONLY game they can play without getting into a fight:) They watch SUGAR MTV together also can quarrel cos who cannot see and who can see... hahhaa...

Only downside of their new camaraderie is that when they play Lion Dance, while both us and cay's parents are happy to leave the kids to their own devices, Zeng Popo cannot help but monitor and shout out "be careful.. dun do this.. dun do that.. dun knock into him..." Most of it directed at Ace not to put Cay into any "danger"... But Ace is enjoying himself so much that he seems to take it in stride too. :)

Previous Post: Smelly Poop

Smelly Poop

Boh liao joke of the day...

I found a dead fly outside the toilet door while Ace was doing big business.

Me: Ace, oh my god! Your poop is so smelly, the fly died while fling pass!

Ace: (after finishing his business, coming out of the toilet and taking a closer look) Oh yeah mummy, the fly really died! OMG! That is SO OFFENSIVE.. the fly is so offensive!

Me: You are offended by the fly?????

Ace: Ya! (with firm nod of his head)

Me: But you killed him with smelly poop and you are offended by him??!!!

I guess he is just really offended that the fly thinks his poop is smelly enough to faint and die.. Hahaha..

Previous Post: Rubik Cube

Rubik Cube

Ace has been going on and on and on about wanting to FIND and BUY a Rubik Cube...

The other day, when his dad and him came to fetch me, they were early and went to the shops to look for the Rubic Cube. I wondered why he so on about it.. and he told me that one of his friends is so good that if you scramble it, he can put under the table... dun look at it.. and in one minute, unscramble it!

So Ace wanted to learn how to do it...

In the end, after they finally found and bought the cube, his dad was the one who went online to watch those youtube videos to learn how to solve it.

Max was also inspired cos when he told his bestie, she told her son and her son asked her to take a video of him unscrambling it in slightly more than a minute! Her son is only a year older than Ace lor!;)

Max spent a whole night fiddling with it and figured out the basic steps to do it. Apparently, rubic cubes are a little like codes.. you can uncode it and scramble it if you follow a definite formula one. You just need to practice alot so that you can memorize the formula and also know the shortest way to follow the formula.

After a night, Max finally did it:)

So he tried to teach Ace but Ace always do halfway and then give up liao...

Eureka! GOt it!

One time, Max asked me to time him. He said his goal is to unscramble in a minute. I set the timer and he got started. When he was finally done, I asked him how long did he think he took.. he said he likely took about 3-4 minutes.

Sorry lor.. it actually took him 14 minutes or so to unscramble.

Guess the boys need more practice before they can get better.

As for me? I am totally not interested in the rubik cube lah.. so I wun even bother to practice lor:) haha

PS: Remember his swimming exam? Ace finally got his Swim Safe Cert! ;) Nice hor!



Previous Post: Scabies

Scabies

I promised myself that I will write this piece to help more people when I recovered. This is a long  piece about my fight with a small little mite called the scabies that lasted 4 months due to my ignorance. I told myself when I am fully recovered, I want to write about this in greater detail to help people who may have the same issue and help them take a short cut and recover within a week!:)

If you are not really interested, I suggest you skip it. If you are here because you suspect you have scabies or have been fighting it, pls read on and I certainly hope this post is helpful to you and will turn your life around!

Anyway, I am very happy to announce that I finally can get started on this piece because my doctor has declared that I am FULLY RECOVERED! ;)

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Some time back, I started noticing that there were some small little bubbles and rashes between the web of my fingers. I did not know what it was, only that it was really itchy and it seemed as if if I broke the bubbles, the liquid that seemed to flow out seem to infect more of my skin. The bubbles were in a line.. like a trail... and there was like a line in the skin as well.

I went online to search. Seemed like eczema. So I just tried to apply some meds (steroid cream I think) husband suggested I use.

They got better.

But they came back again.  Scabies are like that, they dont get better and stay better with the use of steroid creams. They get better and come back again.

Then,  the rashes go worse and worse. They spread and spread and spread... from my fingers, now,  there are itchy rashes in the pits of my arms, around my chest area, on my tummy, on my thighs... They got itchier and itchier and were especially itchy at night. I did not know what caused them.

I went to see a doctor and was told it was an allergic reaction. I was given some antihistamine and some cream to apply but they were of little use. It was less itchy.. somewhat but more rashes appear everyday.

My grandma became very very sick and I had no mood to see doctor. I discovered though that if I applied essential oil on it, I could contain the itchiness. So I just bear with it all through the last stage of her illness and through her funeral.

But it was horrible. Imagine yourself being itchy in places you never knew existed and sometimes feeling like little things crawling all over your chest but never seeing anything. I never knew that feeling itchy can make one feel like they will rather die.

One day during the funeral, a friend who came said her sister's children had the same issue and they found out eventually that it was this thing called SCABIES. She suggested that I find out more or see a doctor...

What Is Scabies
So I went home, went online and tried to find out what is scabies.




Apparently, based on what I read online, SCABIES is a type of mite. You could think of it as a very very very small insect. Basically, this mite lives as a parasite on the human body and will lay eggs and reproduce itself.

What You Will See On Your Skin When You Have Scabies
Based on what I know now about scabies, it is a living organism that poops as well... the poop and crawling around and laying of eggs causes a reaction on our skin and it will create a few things on the skin:

1. Burrows: Darker than skin color (some say silver) lines that looks like hidden track under the skin where they burrow. These can usually be seen under one's armpits, under the bust and in between web of fingers.
   
2. Little bubbles with liquid inside. Unlike eczema or other skin issues, if you look closely, u will notice that the bubbles have a white dot in the middle that sometimes turns red or brown later inside. Bubbles are itchy and most itchy at night.
3. Raised bumps...not unlike mosquito bites.. they are usually very red and very itchy because of the inflammation inside. Most of these bumps are most likely to appear on one's back, near the groin, between the folds of your bum bum.. These are also itchy most of the time and most itchy at night.
   
   
    
4. A feeling of something crawling around under the skin that doesnt go away no matter what you do.

So if you have most or all of the above and itch especially at night, it is quite likely that you have scabies.

I was like EUREKA! I finally could give a name to this THING that is bugging me and I thought that since I can name it, I can cure it!

Scabies Are Often Misdiagnosed As Something Else
But as I was still bz with the funeral, I let it be. Finally when everything was over, I went to see a doctor.

The doctor told me that my case does not look like scabies when I mentioned scabies. He insisted that they are said he doesn't know what caused the allergies.

He did say something very comforting to me. He says if it is scabies, they are the easiest to treat. You just need to apply medication for a few days and wash everything and sun everything and you will be ok. Just in case though, he gave me some scabies cream to apply...

Anyway, most doctors do not recognize scabies as the inital stage can look like skin allergies and all sorts of other hings. So it is often misdiagnosed as something else. If you have those things i mentioned in the previous para.. tell your doctor and ask to be prescribed with scabies treatment!

Scabies- The Mental Torture

I think when it comes to scabies, the itchy feeling is a torture. It almost seems as if the more you scratch, the itchier it is. So it is best to try NOT to scratch.

But even the itchiness is the smallest thing. That in itself is something that can be resolved easily if you just apply medication or even do what I did.. apply either tea tree or lavender essential oil.

However, the crawly feeling is something that one can do nothing about. Scabies is mostly a mental torture because it is like this thing you feel you have no control over. And you cannot see it and you dunno if your fight with it is win , lose or draw.

And it is worse because paronia will make you want to wash everything and clean everything twice, thrice or all the time if you can! So there is alot of hard work involved. Some really paranoid people actually bag everything up and apply chemicals such as bleach on themselves! I am not sure bleach is a good idea though.

It is also a mental torture cos it make you worry about spreading this to others and causing others to have the same torture. So you tend to not want to get close to people for fear that you will spread it to them. You are constantly under duress. For me, it was sheer torture not to be able to hold my husband's hands or hug my son. I had to tell and remind myself to fuck it.. IT being the barrier or paranoia I built in my mind and hug them sometimes.. not for long... just so I can stay sane.

As it is something really terrible to me.. it is really difficult to share. Most people internalize their pain. So there is really I think no one else you can talk to. Worst still, no one can understand how you feel. They do not understand that even after you finish treatment, u will feel prickly sensations, still itch sometimes and act paranoid over every small feeling you have that feels like insect crawling or itchiness. They do not understand that when you go out, it takes every ounce of energy not to focus on the pain caused by the sweat oozing out from our arm pits. They will also not understand how when you are outside, it takes every inch of your willpower not to scratch at the intimate places that are itchy like crazy. They also will not understand why you are a grumpy old witch all the time.. haha;) I will never imagine how a super small mite like this can make me sooooooooo depressed!

But,  once you accept that and think positive of how all these are but part of your healing process, you can look at the world differently and take one step forward to full recovery at a time!:)

Treatment of Scabies Starts With Understanding Them WELL
To be honest, the first round of scabies treatment just made it less itchy but did not cure me completely. After a round of treatment, going to a skin specialist and doing another few rounds of treatment using natural ways and also medication helped me learn some lessons. During this period, I read extensively about scabies and found out there are many people who seemed tortured by it for YEARS! And they go online and share lots of negative things about scabies which IMHO are not really useful information. They just promote fear.

I am going to share what I learnt here so that my experience can hopefully help you. Before we talk about how to treat, I think it is important to know some basic facts about scabies.

First thing is that you need to understand that scabies mites have NO wings. THey cannot jump or fly. They can only walk and they can walk about one inch every minute. However, normal scabies infected person is likely to be ONLY infected with no more than 15 mites.

The chance of infecting through hugging is only there if there is prolonged hugging of longer than 15-20 min. Shaking hands dun spread scabies. Actually, some websites also say tat spreading scabies through your towels or bed sheets is actually very small. But just to be safe, you are usually asked to treat the entire family so that no one will reinfect anyone:) But, scabies seem to spread easily when you have sex since there is intimate contact for prolonged period.


Scabies only LIVE if your body hosts them. They are parasites. On their own, they usually die off after 72 hours. So anything that has not touched you for 72 hours should be safe:) I removed my blanket and bagged them for a week because it was just too much hassle to iron them.

Scabies do not heal by themselves. You need to apply scabies cream to kill them. And you need to reapply again to kill the eggs that hatch later. Or you can apply natural things like tea tree oil or castor oil. They can also be killed with heat of more than 50 degrees celsius.. But you can apparently chase them away with good immunity:)

Scabies live under your skin and are 0.03mm small so we usually cannot see them. The really only way to accurately diagnose them is to do a scrap test. Dr will apply oil and scrap skin with back of knife and put the scrapped off skin under microscope... it is painless.

A first time person who is infected with scabies can be infected for up to 4 weeks before they start to feel itchy and see symptoms of scabies. However, if you are reinfected, because of your highly sensitized state, you can usually feel it within a few days!



BUT the good news is that a healthy immune system, a good attitude, happy mindset and healthy, low sugar diet are helpful to keeping them away. It is said if you have very strong immune system, they may not even want to stay in your body!:)

Treatment Of Scabies- Applying Scabies Cream
There are three main types of treatment. There is a type of cream called Permethrin you can apply, another type called Benzyl Benzoate and another type of pill you can take to kill the scabies mites. Unfortunately, all of them have to be prescribed by a doctor and cannot be bought over the counter.

I can only talk about the first two as I have only tried them. I actually find both Permethrin and the BB equally effective. To  apply these creams are that you need to bath first. And if you can, bath with cold water. If you bath with hot water, you will need to wait for your body to cool down before applying the cream.



As scabies do not usually infiltrate beyond your neck, you are usually advised to apply neck onwards.. downwards... The most most most important thing about applying scabies cream is that you are to apply on EVERY INCH of your body. That means under your pits, under your bust, at the bottom of your feet, between your fingers/toes, inside your finger nails, between the cheeks of your butt, and even at the intimate areas. If you cannot reach it, find a way or get help! If you need to touch water and may have washed it off whichever part of your body, it is vital to reapply it ASAP in that area. This is because scabies mites can actually hide at areas that do not have medication and get away scot free! If you do it CORRECTLY, you have very high chance of recovering after 2 treatments!

So that you can cover all areas, it might be a good idea to remove all jewellery during treatment so there are no spots under your ring or bracelets and necklaces that you might miss.

Now I will like to talk a little about the difference between Permethrin and BB. I actually prefer Permethrin because of a few simple reasons. Firstly, you only need to apply it for 8-14 hrs and wash it off. So you can just apply before going to bed and wash off the next day when you bath.  Plus the smell is less unpleasant as compared to BB.

For BB, you need to apply it and leave it on for 12 hours.. and at the 12 hour mark, REAPPLY WITHOUT BATHING. Only after 24 hours of applying can you wash it off. I sometimes reapply as and when I feel itchy as it has anti itch properties.

Depending on how long you have already been infected with scabies, your doctor will actually advise you to apply the first treatment for 1-3 days. As I held off treatment for long time and my scabs were quite bad, I was asked to apply BB for 3 days by one dr and Pemethrin for two days by another doctor.

Do note that when you apply both meds, you may feel a burning or prickly sensation in some areas of your skin. It doesn't mean the scabies are there.. Haha.. it just means that the chemical balance there in your skin is a little different. But as you apply the creams again, the stingy sensation should lessen. First few times I applied the BB, my armpits stung for half an hour. Once the meds settle, it does usually feel a little more comfortable.

It is important to make sure you do not sweat when applying the meds. For this reason, I usually stay at home and try not to go out lest u sweat. Sweating may bring the stingy sensation back and may "wash off" the meds.

Because sweating is a torture to me, I also do not wear anything restrictive and do not wear clothes with materials that do not allow the skin to breathe. I find my skin at its super sensitive peak can only take cotton material. Best that your clothes and pants are loose fitting too.


During this period, so tat I do not suffer from more itch, I take antihistamine pills to relieve myself from the itch. THey do help a little but they make me sleepy. For me, I rather be sleepy than itchy. However, I recommend that one stops after a week or so.. because it is important for you to know if you are not itching because of the antihistamine or because you have gotten better.



You may also try natural methods. THere are many online suggestions but I have only tried tea tree oil and castor oil. I will say that I feel safer using the natural oils vs chemicals which I know are poisons for my skin. But tea tree essential oil is alot more expensive. But while these natural methods will calm the itch, I find that they are less effective as compared to medication. That is because even after I use the oils, I still feel the crawling sensation in my chest area. Only the medications stopped this sensation and I feel they really kill the mites. So I think this might indicate that medications are more effective despite what most internet forums may say... For me, I rather poison myself and get better faster and detox after that:) Plus, tea tree oil is also irritating to some people's skin.(But I will like to thank my friend, Jez, for her sponsorship of my two bottles of tea tree oil and Renew Moisturizer that contains tea tree oil. They are life savers for me when I am out and itchy! I just apply them and it can soothe the itch for some time.)

Note: If someone is living in close quarters and sits beside or sleeps beside you, get them to apply BB or Pemethrin once as treatment just in case to prevent you infecting them and them reinfecting you. Some badly infected people who work in close quarters with their colleagues actually need to get them to apply cream as well.

Treatment Of Scabies- The Great Clean Up AFTER Applying Scabies Cream
After you apply your scabies cream, you need to change everything! Change your towel, change your bedsheets. Change underwear everytime after you bath. Vacumn your bed, vacum areas in the house you frequent too. I know it can be daunting to do that and not sweat. But with some planning, it can be done!:) I usually plan to clean everything one shot just before I am due to take my bath to watch off the creams.




Wash everything in more than 50 degrees celsius. It will kill the scabs. SUn it if you can. If you cannot, iron them! One of the most common places they hide in is your underwear! So do sun or IRON your underwear. If you have expensive underwear, just put them between a towel and iron on the towel... and steam steam steam!

Just to be safe, I vacumn the area i sit in at home most often and my bed everyday for a week. I ironed my underwear. I ironed ALL clothes before I wear them too.

Pay attention to the shoes you wear and bags you use. After wearing a shoe or using a bag, sun it or bag it up for three days and do not wear it again till after the 3 days so that you do not reinfect yourself. If wearing socks, change the everyday!

If you applied the cream well and do not CLEAN UP, there is a chance of reinfection. So do BOTH STEPS WELL!:) It is a little extra work but it is well worth the effort!:)

Treatment Of Scabies- Nourish Your Skin, Nourish Your MInd, Nourish Your Body!
After your first round of treatment of applying cream, you should ALWAYS nourish your skin afterwards.

This is because both creams are actually very drying for the skin. Also, post scabies, your skin will still tend to itch every now and then, have a bump or two every now and then too. It can take up to 6 months or even a year for the sensitive feeling to go away completely but most pple are good after about 1-2 months.


Moisturizing the skin also makes the scabs less likely to wanna lay eggs according to some sources.

Whether or not tat is true,  I just feel it is good to nourish it with a good moisturizer and apply some cream for any itch you may feel just to feel more comfortable. Your doctor will usually provide the cream which is for reducing itch and reducing inflammation. You may even still feel like things are crawling across your skin. FRET NOT. THis is normal and to be fair, some of it is a result of your skin becoming more reactive and sensitive and you becoming more psychologically sensitive to any sensation you might feel. Some people may see their eczema or allergies act up post scabs.

Usually first 3 days after your FIRST application of BB or P, you should not see more bumps, rash or feel as much itch.

Now, a good positive mindset is very important in this fight against something you cannot see. If you have a religion. PRAY for good health and better immunity.  The scabies mites do not like healthy bodies so feed your body well with nourishing foods. DO not take so much sugar and exercise lightly. It is said a healthy immune system is actually the best treatment to scabies and I agree! Once you can tolerate sweating, going out in the sun to sun yourself a little s a good idea. Manifest for a healthier you!:) Eat well and rest early. Drink lots of water!

In my attempt to approach this on a holistic level and use it as a way to understand myself better, I have found that scabies on a psychological level are merely a manifestation of some negative thoughts you have about yourself and a lack of self love. It is a good idea to think about things you have done wrong and forgive yourself for all those things and also, it is a good idea to send alot of love to yourself. If you do not know how to do that, just imagine you putting all the "bad things" you believe about yourself into a bag and then give it to the heavens and let your angels/gods/buddhas etc help you. Ask for help and ask for a miracle!

You will go online forum and see that MANY pple have struggled with scabies for MONTHS or YEARS. Remember, they are NOT YOU. It is very likely they did not apply the cream correctly or clean up correctly and it could be their paronia that made them keep applying crazy things to their skin. When you apply alot of chemicals to your skin, it is natural that it keeps flaring up. And I guess that is why it may seem to them like it is a non stop fight for them. Or, it may not be scabies anymore but something else too and so they are treating it wrong.

BUT YOU CAN DO IT DIFFERENTLY. You can do it right the first time and put an end to all these after 2 treatments! (that is why I am writing this long, detailed post to help you cos i think i would have saved more grief if pple shared tips that helped me do it right  instead of fear mongering!)



My doctor said scabies is easy, just apply medication correctly, clean up correctly and you will be cured and IT IS TRUE!


Treatment Of Scabies- When Do You Treat Again?
Because scabies creams only kill the mites and not the eggs, you will usually be asked by your doctor to treat yourself one week after your first application to kill the eggs that may have hatched afterwards.

In my experience though, after 3 days, some eggs will already start to hatch so it is a good idea to add in one more treatment during Day 4 and do another one on Day 8.

Or if you are using BB, use it for 3 days and do another treatment on Day 7 works too.

Post scabies, it is normal to itch again, have bumps or bubbles etc. You determine if it is scabies that reinfected you by observing a few things:
- do you itch more at night
 - do you keep having more bumps after applying your steroid creams and moisturizer
- are all the raised bumps itchy and are they in your groin area and in the armpits etc?

If you answered yes to the above three questions, it is likely a reinfestation. You just restart your treatment from DAY 1 again. If they are random, then likely it is either in your mind or just post scabs recovery itch:)



If you last more than a week after your last scabies treatment with no new issues, I will now present you with  a cert.... cos CONGRATULATIONS, you are now certified as having GRADUATED from scabies!

Paranoia might return. I still feel things crawling over my legs every now and then. My bumps are still itchy sometimes. I feel my body itching here and there every now and then...  My doctor says most of it is psychological... which i agree as I feel these most often when I am not relaxed and comfy at home... The psychological damage I think is the part that we also need to be mindful about and so it is important to keep cheering myself along I feel.

Despite all these,  I know I have graduated and I certainly hope you will graduate too!:)

GOOD LUCK!

If you have benefitted from this.. do pay it forward and SHARE with your friends!:)

Previous Post: Jackass!

Jackass!

Sometimes, I really think that my son is a very amazing little boy.

School reopened and during the holidays, he asked if I could buy him a folder where he can put all the worksheets he has so that he does not need to put them in his bag as it adds considerable weight.

After searching high and low, we found a nice little folder with a handle that he can bring to school.

Because I know wat a blur sotong he is, I expect him to be not used to having something extra to carry.

So, I reminded him early in the morning before we left the house to remember to bring his file home.

I sent him to school and then before we did our goodbye hug and kiss, I reminded him again to bring his file back to school.

True enough, when he came home, he walked into the house with no file in hand!

So  asked him.."Where is your file?"

"What file.."

"Your blue file?" I asked again.

"In my bag what..." he replied but looked like he still did not know what I was talking about...

"Your blue file.. the one with the handle?"

"What handle.." Ace asked.. giving me the "what toking you" look...


"THe blue file with a handle that we bought during school holidays?" I asked again... hoping that giving more info and description will help him remember..

And then, his memory came back and the realization hit him... his face went from perplexed to "OH SHIT! I FORGOT!"

And he became really kan cheong. "I have to go back and take it! I have to go back and take it!" And he ran out of the house..

I did not even get to ask him why and how and there he is again on his way back to school to collect his file.

Apparently, he got distracted cos he was quarreling with his friends. And his homework was actually worksheets that he put inside the file. So he HAD to go back and collect it again.

We were supposed to go watch a movie together that day... end up, it took him 45 mins to go back and forth school and so we had to rush rush rush to eat, bath and finish his homework to be able to catch the 5.30pm show.

I told Max about it and he said Ace is such a JACKASS... hahaha...

And so you think ONE CUCKOO incident is enough given that school has only started for a few days right?

But Ace apparently does not think so.

Yesterday, he came home and passed me a piece of paper and told me that his teachers said that they are going to have a new timetable. I looked at the timetable and found out that his PE timings were changed from Mon, Tue to Tue, Thur. So I asked him if PE has been changed to tue thur and he said YES.

So yesterday, because he already wore both the PE shirts he had at home, I had to wash it. But because we went to watch a movie, by the time I washed it... it was quite late.. and I had to sleep at 3am so that I can dry his shirt in time. Because he had CCA the next day, I also took time to prepare packed sandwich for him.

Alas, this morning, Ace kept sleeping and sleeping and sleeping and did not want to wake up.  When he finally jumped out of bed, already very late lor and he chi chor lok kio brush up and finish his breakfast.

Suddenly, I saw him walk out of his room in crumpled shirt and pants. I asked him why is he dressed like that and he said cos today no PE. I told him that the timetable he showed me shows that there is PE lor. And he insisted that he copied the timetable wrongly and insisted on going to school like this.

I told him take out the shirt, I iron it while he wear his shoes and he din want to...

So I let him be lor. And because he was late and in a rush, end up, he also din bring his sandwich lor.

Jackass indeed!!!!!

Updates:
Jackass acts cannot come in twos.. have to 接二，连三 lor..

Someone came home from school today and I reminded him to change out of his uniform. The reason I gave him is that white uniform difficult to was if very sweaty...

So he took off his shirt and continued to sit there and not move.

Then my friend came visiting, and he ran in to change into a tshirt but refused to change out of his pants.. in the end.. someone ate chocolate ice cream and dripped on his pants and now his pants look like he shit on them.

MEGA SIGH....

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