I am writing this 10 months later... my mind is a blank. But I thought I should pen something down and this was probably a significant moment in Ace's life.
Mmm... for the longest time, I have been grappling with whether I should tell Ace that we are getting a divorce. Is it better to tell him as soon as we knew it though he was going to do PSLE or was it better to tell him after. We finally decided on the latter and so, we continued to live in the same house, sleep in the same bed for 6 months after we decided to divorce.
I hope when Ace reads this when he is more mature, he understands how difficult it was for me to do that for so long with a man who no longer loves me and blatantly disregards me. It made letting go so much more difficult cos living in the same house meant we couldnt avoid each other and I even stupidly and quietly mended his buttons (scared no one mend for him later), washed and ironed his clothes...
THen PSLE came and left and still we havent told him. Initially is dun make him sian right after PSLE.. and then I told Max it is time to tell Ace. But I think Max was a little fearful.
FIrst week I told him I decided to tell Ace, he had a work trip.
SEcond week I said must tell Ace, he for no reason go promise someone to go guangzhou to help him with training...
THird week I said must tell Ace, he went to climb mountains in philippines!
Last and final week I gave him ultimatum... he dun tell I will tell myself. He can dun be there if he dun want to be.
And so finally, we set a date to tell Ace.
I remember that Max was just seated there and tearing. And I was doing all the talking. I had already had this script rehearsed 10,000 times in my mind:
- It is not his fault
- It is not something he did or did not do that caused the divorce
- I am so sorry i really tried my best to keep us together
- We just didnt work out
- IT is probably better to be apart and happier
- we still love him
- we will forever be his parents.. both of us
- We are still a family but a different one where the parents dun live together
- LIfe is not very different
- He will live with me since my job allows me to take better care of him
- We still gonna get the BTO and gonna live there
- He will go live with his dad once a week or at least meet him once a week
- We will still have meals together as a family once a week
On Ace's part,he cried... and asked why.. he said he didnt want this to happen... and then he cried and cried for 45 min. After that, he asked to have some time for himself and went to his room to read.
After that, I went to his bedroom to find him.. and talk to him. He had questions.. are we still gonna visit his grandparents? Wat about family traditions like christmas eve parties? Did his dad have a girlfriend?
And I was surprised he asked that and then I realized that Max had brought her along to dinner with Ace twice. And I guess Ace guessed something was up.
I told Ace though that his dad said he didnt have anyone else and I guess it doesnt matter.
I think because Ace loved us both so much , he had to find someone to be angry at.. so he made HER... his enemy and got really upset at her. I didnt do much to discourage it cos honestly, better angry at her than angry at me right. Plus, I knew max was definitely attracted to her.. whether they are together or not doesnt matter, in my mind they already are.
Annie godma found out and dated Ace out for lunch.
Apparently, Ace asked Annie if she knew about this woman and bitched about her the whole lunch.
I guess he needed an outlet.
And I am glad friends came and offered support.
But at least, I finally did not need to cry quietly in the toilet anymore. I think Max had no idea he chose the worse possible time to ask for divorce. HE chose start of school holiday to tell me.. and for the next ONE MONTH, i had to pretend that everything is ok and did not have space to even grief cos I am facing my son 24/7. He on the other hand under he guise of work and appointments can go drinking and hanging out with friends.
I must have died 100000 times over that month.
But well, I guess it was good training.. now when I am faced with pain, I just need to think back and say, "What is this compared to that right?" Hahahah
Ok lah.. i think today mood not very good so perception like not very positive also. Will end here:)
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