On all accounts, CNY was especially difficult for me and Ace. Probably even for Max too.
Because this year, Shushu and Shenshen were spending their CNY in Vietnam, we had a super early reunion dinner and somehow, the theme for this year was fast food:) hahaha
In 118, we had pizza dinner..
Max had been drinking rather heavily. I thought it was because he did not know how to tell his parent about our decision to get a divorce.
Anyway, one day, he went out drinking and did not reach home till morning. I called him and he said he is at the carpark... I assumed he had fallen asleep in his car... something not new to me. But I did notice that when he came home, he had this "blur" look... like his mind was blank and somewhat like a zombie.
But I did not think much of it and went to work as usual. In the end, I recieved lots of calls from his colleagues because he was supposed to be at work but did not turn up for work. I thought maybe hangover and asked Ace to wake him.
But by time I reached home late in the night, he was still sleeping! That is really kind of strange.
Little did I realize, it was the start of a nightmare for me and for Ace.
For the next one week, he would do nothing but sleep. He only woke in the morning to send Ace to school and afterwards, he will come back and sleep non stop and on the second day, upon closer inspection, we realized he had abrasion at the back of his botak head, on his arm and on his legs. It seems that he had fallen.
Whenever we asked him to wake up or eat something, he will scream vulgarities at us. One time he managed to wake and go dinner with us only to ask Ace to "Shut up, fucker" which made Ace really very hurt.
I didnt know what was wrong with him. He just seemed like a jilted lover who had totally given up on the world and little did I know, that my observation is a little too close to the truth for comfort.
Because we couldnt wake him and he would only scream and shout at me and Ace, close to CNY, I literally went about preparing for it by myself. Pack myself, did the red packet money exchange myself. Everything I did... I did by myself.
On top of that, had to check everyday if that sleeping beauty was eating... had to message his colleagues, message his boss to explain why he was uncontactable... I tried to talk sense to him but if i said more, he would scream and shout at me and ask me to go away.
Because my sis was going to her in laws place for reunion on the day before chu yi, I decided to bring Ace to my parent's place. We will revisit the long time story of when the Peng family had not much money for CNY and so we went to mac donald and ate big mac for CNY... and ended up getting stared at by the whole world's malays... who were eating there.. hahahaah..
Bought BK and Mac D and then went to my mum's place to eat with my parents. And I am thankful for the presence of my family because I have never felt more alone...
Remembering that my bro and sis in law were in vietnam, I brought Ace along to visit and see if they needed help with anything. MOstly it was to just keep them company lah.
So Ace took over shu shu's role to help to hang the red cloth at the gate:)
Then we went home.
THe next day, Max woke early morning and dressed up. He said he was going to work. I asked if he was going to send his parents to visiting because they had all these visiting to do every year. He said he will be back in time.
Two hours later, I heard some noise. Someone sent him home.. seems like his colleagues. They asked if I was around and Max mumbled, asked them to leave, went to the room, took off his shirt and went to sleep!
I asked him what about his parents and he ignored me.. and this was really very jia lat.. I knew something was really wrong. so I messaged his colleague and he told me that he was still near our place and asked if he could talk to me.
His colleagues told me Max talked strange and behaved strangely. He also moved strangely and being a rugby player, his colleague told me he things Max is suffering from concussion.... and it can be very dangerous and so he asked me to pls send Max to hospital.
So finally, I tried to talk to max to persuade him to see a doctor. He ended up screaming loudly at me and scolding me with vulgarities.
I had to take all his shit.. and then I had to call his parents and explain to them why he couldnt send them to visiting.... Cos I did not want them to worry, i told them tat Max needed to rest cos he hurt his head.
IT was day one of CNY and I really did not know what to do and who I could ask for help so I called Jez.. she said she will come over to send us over to hospital. But I couldnt move Max so Jez tried to talk to him.. he was nicer to her.. he just said he did not want to go and said he feels he is getting better and did not need to go see doctor.
Jez noticed that Ace was hiding in his room and since she cannot move the big one, she say go see the small one. WHen she opened the door of Ace's room.. Ace hugged her hard and cried very hard. I think when his dad shouted at me, it shocked Ace... So Jez suggested we all go and have lunch. And so we went to eat mee goreng and roti prata at Kanasai.. i mean KNS restaurant...
Out of desperation, i called Max's best friends... his navy friends followed suit and called me cos his colleague called them. And I think Max is indeed blessed that he has been a great friend all these while.. such that on chu yi.. so many stepped in to offer help. THey came to talk to him...
And strangely, when his navy colleague came to talk to him, he woke up without much of a fight and went with them to hospital.
Ace said he wanted to go to nainai house so shushu came to fetch him... as for me, I didnt want to go anywhere or see anyone... I found a good reason to avoid going to in laws place (max going to hospital) and hid in my mum's house. THat night, I hugged my mum and cried very very hard. What a terrible CNY!
I didnt want to go to hospital because I feel he will only get agitated when he sees me. But it was difficult to explain to his frens why his wife me, just didnt appear in hospital. But I can only bite the bullet lor...
Day 2 of CNY was no better. Ace said he wanted to go visiting with my parents and so he did. I decided I will go visit Max and see if there was anything he needed.
Long story short, what happened next was the turning point of my life. Up till this point, though I had accepted and agreed to divorce, I still had a secret wish that Max will turn around and come back to me and we could go back to being the happy family we were.
But when I was there, i saw her there. I saw how he looked at her and I knew this person was never coming back. ANd it was then that i finally really let go of him because my heart had finally totally shattered. And though I was there, though I was still THE WIFE.. I felt like an outsider there as they talked softly and laughed loudly amongst themselves. But still I sat there coolly... cos Max's colleague requested that i stay till he arrived, I stayed on... but they (Max and that woman) decided they will go out for a meal and just left me there.
So I decided I will leave too and go to visit gohonzon.. the trip there, I called Jez and i cried and cried.. not caring who saw me... I couldnt help it and tears just kept flowing down my face... and my good sister asked me this... I had given everything for this man... even given my skin and bones... when was I ready to finally live my life for me... I really woke up then...
I decided then, I would tell our parents about our decision. Nevermind whether Max was ready. I decided that I will stop ironing his clothes and stop doing ANYTHING for him because even if I did.. he will never appreciate a single bit of it. It was time I did things for me..
That night, Ace came to me and requested for "family time" and said he wanted to watch Assassination Classroom with me. I think part of it was that he wanted to cheer me up and part of it was he just needed time with me as we grieved over the trauma that we experienced together. It was starngely comforting..
THe rest of the story was well...in summary, he kept disappearing in hospital to go out with her... even his parents cannot find him. But i had accepted by then that part of his strange behaviour is also a side effect of head concussion. But still though I knew it was that, it still felt terrible to be slighted and to be treated like shit.. and treated like air. And to make matters worse, though I had decided not to do anything for him anymore, I couldnt.. and I still had to clear his shit and act as liason and monitor his actions and update his frens... And though I had to do it despite feeling so shitty.. despite being treated in such a way was no easy feat... the thing is.. he will never know and will never understand what I went through for him .... and even if he did.. he will never be grateful or appreciate it... maybe in future he might but at that time, he wouldnt for sure.
I also did the most amazing thing. I contacted Max's boss overseas and played the role of the dutiful good wife because Max was still out of sorts and uncontactable after being discharged... so i contacted the boss, thanked him for his concern, explained max's situtation to him and on the parting note, we even agreed to meet up for a meal the next time he came to singapore. As I look back, I really think I was quite cool.
That CNY I didnt go out.. I didnt wish anyone happy new year.. because it was a BAD new year for me. THe only place i went to... was work and then back home. It felt like though it was CNY spring season.. for me it was a perpetual winter.
But still, we tried to self entertain to make ourselves happy. We cooked together... Eg, me and Ace made slushy longan. FOr me, longan with ice has always been a symbol of CNY because it is what my Yeye and Nainai will prepare for us grandkids every CNY. I tot can bring myself some CNY cheer...
It was somewhat comforting to have Ace with me and I am really thankful to have him with me.
But it was only a week after CNY has started that I finally started to feel like it was CNY.
It started off with a dual celebration in office:) Boss also gave me ang pow.. huat ah! First time i organized a CNY party in office and the busy day that was noisy and filled with good cheer warmed my heart somewhat...
Me bringing the lion to dance around the office.
Me and my teammate julia:)
Then there was a gathering with the HR girls..
And also a Lions Club gathering..
I am glad we finally felt somewhat like it is really a new year.
Anyway, I am looking forward to a better new year in 2019. Whatever went down can only go up, right? THough I think it may be a little tough cos there will be lots of pple to explain to but... I think anything is still better than wat I experienced last year! hahaha
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