Max Away...

Max has been away for almost two months now. In another one week's time, he will be back.

Initially, I was really upset at his leaving for two months.

But now as I look back, it was good that Max was gone for two months.

On his side, he said he did not realized that he took me and Ace for granted and learnt to appreciate us more...

On my side, many many things happened. I learnt to stand on my on and be a true leader. I learnt to be responsible for my own life instead of relying on Max all the time. I learnt to decide for myself what I want instead of asking other people to decide for me all the time. I learnt not to sacrifice. I learnt to communicate better with my people. I learnt to appreciate myself more. I learnt to appreciate Max more. Appreciate my parents more and most important of all, I learnt how to get along better with Ace.

I often asked myself why even though I keep saying that I want another child, the other child is not here yet. As I have mentioned before, results equal intent. I know this is probably because I am not ready yet in one way or another.

Part of the reason is that I cannot reconcile the fact that sometimes I find Ace is a hindrance to my freedom and I have some fear of taking care of him or being a mother to him. Even though everyone says I am very motherly. The fact is, after a short while, I often feel a need to take a holiday from my own son and I feel so bad and so guilty about that.

I often think that with every child I had, I had to 'sacrifice' 2 years of my life with them. If I had 3 children, tat would be 6 years of time wasted just taking care of kids instead of doing the things that I really wanted.

Even though I enjoyed my motherhood journey but I was often in sacrifice. I think I cannot do my business as professionally as I want because I have to bring Ace along if there is no one taking care of him. I think I have to slow down my path towards POV trainer because I got to think about Ace. I think I have to sacrifice business time because I want to spend more time with Ace.

Just before Daddy left for the middle east, the situation is made even worse cos I literally threw Ace at Daddy and did not really spend time with him or do things with him thinking that he needed "daddy time" more than time with me.

The real reason, however, is the fact that I was glad to be rid of this responsibility of being Ace's mother for a short while. I was glad to stop 'sacrificing' for a while.

But the heavens are fair, once Daddy was away, I was full time mother. There is only MUMMY time... and because Waipo had to work morning shift in the first month, the MUMMY TIME was intensified...Initially, I could barely breathe.... my first solo outing with Ace only lasted one hour.

Now, I can bring him out and spend a good 3 hours together.

As he grows and develop a personality of his own and as I interact more and more with him, I am starting to love Ace not just as my son.. but also as my friend... as the person he is...
I slowly learn to appreciate being with him and as I enjoyed myself more and more with him, I started seeing being with him as less and less of a sacrifice.. god, it took me two and a half years to learn to appreciate my child...

Actually, I know now that I am just using Ace as an excuse. Child or no child, no one can stop you from living your purpose. Parenthood in fact, I think will help me learn more and speed up my process to become a POV trainer. Ace is also my motivation to do better in my business. Like Arthur said, if your children were to know that if you went out and do business, you could afford to bring them to disneyland, your children would probably say, "Mummy, go out and bring us to disneyland!" Hahaha.... In Ace's case, I think Barneyland is probably more attractive.

Anyway, Ace, thank you for being such a wonderful son and teaching me so many wonderful lessons about life. Thank you for all your love, trust and confidence in me. Mummy loves you and will do my best, lead a good life and do you proud! :) I love you!

PS: I talked to Veron.. she says my second child is coming soon. I am just getting ready for it, getting Ace ready for it... I agree.. cos I think now tat Ace is more assured of my love, he is ready to share it with one more new life ;)

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