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| Cousin brought photo albums to see if there were any pics of grandma we can use and I saw this picture from 9 years ago... |
Since Max was going soccer, I asked him to drop me off before he left and I went to her house in the morning so that I could help to care for her and spend more time with her.
When I arrived, I was told my grandma opened her eyes briefly.
My friend Lency said that it is helpful if we cherish her and tell her how much we love her.
We spent the morning chanting for her and also talking to her... I told her I am very thankful for everything she has done for me and my family and kept on reassuring her that we will take good care of ourselves and that if she will like to do something or like to go somewhere, she is free to do so and that no matter where she is and what she does or chooses, I will still love her and I know she loves me too... even if the new place she goes, I know she will still be able to be with me as we will put each other in our hearts and she will still be able to watch over me and protect me like she does now and so there is no need to fear and no need to worry. I also reminded her tat I love her very much again and again...
Then I had to leave to bring Ace to his swimming exam.
After we returned, I went to my mum's place to have lunch and then, Max helped sent Ace to his PD meeting and I went to my grandma's.
I was chatting with my aunty and suddenly when she went into the room, we realized grandma's eyes are wide opened! But she seems to be staring into space... so we guessed she could not see much. But as her eyes opened, it seemed her breathing is more laboured.
Everyone in the house gathered round her to chant and my aunty kept reassuring her that she is free to go where she wants and do what she wants to do and that she need not be afraid.
We prayed and chanted for about and hour or so... and then, she seemed to settle down and her eyes closed up and she went back to "sleep". Her bp went down and fever went up and down but we kept sponging her and giving her medicine to keep the fever down as she seems to look uncomfortable whenever the fever is above 38 degrees.
I tried to connect with her and kept feeling a buzzing feeling in my crown. Seems there are some things that she wanted to say that she did not have a chance to say too as I felt uncomfortable in my throat area when connecting with her energetically. So I just kept sending love to her and wanding her.
By dinner time, Max and Ace came over and sat down with Laoma for awhile before we bid her farewell to go have dinner. I thought Ace did not really get to spend time to go out and so I thought can bring him out for nice dinner.
"Mummy, can we go indian food... i got craving for gobi manchurian.." So we brought him to eat his favorite indian food-- Gobi Manchurian.. which is not easily found in the eastern part of Singapore.
While having dinner, Lency messaged me and shared with me more of her knowledge and experience...
She suggested that I join with my grandmother and it is a great time to do so even if her eyes are closed.. "She doesn't need to be conscious. Feel her and feel heaven, and they are the same. You can feel how she has always loved you, and how she will always have an eye on you..." She also said that if I can let her go and go into the miracle, it will be helpful for her and the family...
Lency also suggested that we give my dad more time with her alone to come to terms with it and actually, we have been doing that ever since I saw his sorrowful face when he was alone with her and thought no one is watching...
Interestingly, after I finished Lency's message, I suddenly felt a huge wave of love pouring down from the heavens. I thought it was Lency sending her love and told her so and she sent me a picture of the buddha and gently reminded me... "We are not alone.."
"The more you can keep your focus on your grandmother now, the better you will feel later...Be transfixed on the Absolute! It is right here now with you. It is so holy...."And she said to just keep reminding my grandmother how she is the best in the whole world and how we could not love her more..
When I returned home, my sister messaged me and said that my grandma opened her eyes again... I asked if she could try joining with grandma and I will join with her in my mind... I went into the bedroom and started joining but there were so many obstacles... my son will come in and talk to me... my rashes started acting up and were super itchy... it just could not concentrate after 5 min...
When we were discussing afterwards about what we felt during the joining, my sis suddenly said that my aunty asked them to go into the room cos Grandma's breathing was suddenly very fast.
Max had just left to go watch soccer and I asked if he was still downstairs. He said he left but will turn around to fetch me and he did...
When I arrived there, grandma's eyes were still opened. Everyone in the room was chanting or praying for her in whichever mantra they feel most comfortable with... I held my grandma's hand and thought it best to chant and also join with her... When I tried to join with her... there was an instant where I feel lots of love gushing out from her and then after some time... there was this air of sweetness around her...like she is surrounded by sweet sweet love... I thought perhaps some angels or friends from higher places might be there.... Anyway, grandma stabilized down.. but still coughed on off and had shallow breathing... but she looked peaceful and finally closed her eyes again and so we went home...
20th April 2015
Today, I woke early and tried to edit grandma's picture that we can use. We chose a picture that looked as if she was smiling and had a secret to share. I call it, Ah Ma's Smile... My Aunty says it is her fav pic among all we were looking at.
Among all the pictures we chose though, my favorite was this... Too bad it was blur when i enlarged it... and there is reflection in her specs.
I went to visit grandma after having breakfast with Max. Today is the first day that we will not have nurse M with us and so when it was time to turn her, or change her diaper, I went into the room to help. I helped also to remember the medication timings...
I think she is much weaker today... her breathing is getting faster, more shallow and also weaker. My aunty borrowed an oxygen machine and said Sister Fong, (a nurse) will be coming over in the afternoon to teach us how to use the machine.
Tried to pick out an outfit for grandma's last journey but I realized we did not know which is her favorite outfit. I could tell you which outfits she wore often when I was a primary school kid but as I grew up, I no longer knew or remembered her preferences. It made me sad but I guess we will know when the time comes.
There are now so many things we have to keep track of. Have to track if grandma is still responsive, have to remember when to shift her and which side to shift her.. have to remember to change her diaper...
It seems that everytime we move her around, she will frown, as if in pain. She also opened her eyes in the afternoon and so I joined with her by looking into her almost lifeless eyes... this time round during the joining, even though I still felt a buzzing in my crown, I could feel so much heartbreak and all the pain of letting go... I remembered that if I did let go, it will help her and so I worked on that.
My aunty told me her healer friend said that grandma's soul has started detaching. HOwever, her body has it's auto habitual fight or flight response and as grandma is a fighter, that is what she is doing now.
When I had time alone with grandma again, I told her that I love her very much and she is the best grandma in the world. I am so sorry I did not do more and could not do more but i know she dun blame me and still love me anyway just as I love her... and then I told grandma to just follow her path and dun worry about us... just surrender into the buddha or into the light or into gohonzon.. for there is no real need to fight as where she is going is good, peaceful happy place and that I will love her no matter where she is....
WHen the nurse came, she chatted with me and explained to me this and that cos I asked her many questions. She said tat the oxygen machine is not really very helpful but it is helpful for the caregiver to think that she has done more and has one more thing she can do or give to the patient. She also said reason why grandma pants hard and seem to wince in pain when we move her is cos her heart is already working very hard and in her current stage, any movement as small as opening the eyelids is a burden to her system and means her heart has to work faster.. so we need to give her time to settle down and check if she is ok after a while.. if not, perhaps we will need to give her pain medication to reduce discomfort...
I asked the nurse how long more she thought my grandma could last and she says that without water and food, most people last no longer than 2 weeks and as grandma already lasted one week plus already, we should be prepared... but it is of course best to check with the dr as they will be more familiar..
Through the day, her fever came and go so I sat with her and chanted and put towel on her to cool her down. I used to think it is quite scary to take care of a dying person but I now think this process.. for those alive and grieving is also a great chance to move closer to the one we love when they are departing and that because it is done in and with so much love like how we take care of our babies when they are young, it is actually not scary at all.
I am starting to think that when grandma opens her eyes. she is actually "awake" cos she is quite responsive during those times with little movements. But it could be my 一厢情愿at work. But when we changed diaper for grandma first two times, she frowned and so I told her that if she held my hand, it wouldnt be painful (that is what I used to tell Ace when he is much younger.. hold my hand or let me blow kisses and it wouldnt be painful) and so I held her hand. She looked more relieved holding my hand and I really felt like I was providing some comfort.
In the evening, when we tried to change her diaper again, she actually frowned again and looked like she was in alot of pain... she actually moved her hands and came to search for my hand by herself.... and she held it tight and gripped it tightly. Her grip and her expression were in harmony.. stronger grip with bigger frown... if she let go, less frown.. so I wondered if she is coming to me for comfort on her own. It doesnt matter, I just held her hand and told her it is ok and that it is alright.
Max and Ace came and sat around in her room to keep her company for a while.. Ace held grandma's hand and told grandma about his day in school ad the we went out for dinner.
Sometime around 11 plus, aunty said grandma's BP is very low and she was breathing super fast again. Me and Max were torn whether to visit immediately and Max suggested maybe we can wait and see... later in the night, my aunty said she calmed down already and so in the end, we did not go visit and quickly went to bed so we could have energy to really be with her the next day...
My sis called me and said a friend of hers said the best help we could give a soul that is detaching is to chant and pray for them and so I think this is what we will continue to do from now on... He said that doesnt matter how we pray or wat mantra we chant or even if we chant next to her or a few continents away... because ultimately, it is the positive energy they will recieve and it will help make the process of the soul detaching as fast and as painless as possible.
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