Friday, March 24, 2017

KP Birthday

 I aske for a day off to meet up with the girls cos we were celebrating KP's birthday:)

 I did not know that Lele is going and also because I thought we will end very late, I did not bring Ace lah... Hahaha...

But that meant he had some me time together with his dad... They had prata at mr Prata...

But Ace niam niam niam that I keep going out with my friends...

The thing is this... I dun think Ace.. or even Max for that matter realize... that I like going out and meeting with friends. And if I could choose all over again, I would have done it a lot more often than I did.

I chose to stay home because I felt Ace needed me... sometimes it is because simply Max is constantly out and someone has to be home.... other times.. it is because I thought me and Max might have a chance to go out on a date... or have a chance to spend some time alone..

Yet, I just realized that all these "sacrifices".. actually do not amount to much.

Just the other day, I told Ace we have not been doing before bedtime conversation much these days... and it seemed to me it is because of his choice to play with his phone or watch youtube... He said he wanted to do that but maybe only once a week.

I asked him to give it some thought.. which one makes him happier and fulfills him more...then we discuss again.. the second time we talked about it.. he says just two days will do.. LOL...

With regards to my husband, I dun even think he realizes that I kept time slots for him... and while he is busy leading his life and doing his stuff, silly me just quietly keeps time hoping that maybe he will finally be free enough to give me some of his time... cos my top language of love is quality time and I thought he knew that.

And when it never happens, I get upset because I felt like I have sacrificed for nothing. But to be fair, I never once told him I kept that time slot for him. I just told him I wanted a date. And whenever there is a slot tat comes up that seems like we could use it to go dating, and someone else asks to meet up, I often reject them thinking I want to reserve this slot for date with. But I never told Max that I did that... I assumed he knew cos I have already told him I wanted a date alone with him. And I get super frustrated when he uses the time slot I kept for him to go drinking with his friends.

And the thing though is when we had a talk the other day, I realized that most of Max's focus is on how to make himself happy. So he just keeps doing whatever he feels will make him happy. And so he has a packed life filled with lots of stuff... so he can feel happy.... become happier.. or  run away from being unhappy....

But silly me... I keep hoping others will do something to make me happy... That is kind of a victim mindset and it has made life really difficult because all I could see is what others did not do to make me happy... And every one new thing I added to the list had this implication that they loved me less....and it made me feel even worse.

I guess that is no way to lead a happy life because if my happiness is dependent on others, I dun think I will never be happy. My mum told me many years ago that we cannot control what others do or think but we can control what we do or think.

So finally, I decided that I should lead my life for me and just go out whenever I feel like it instead of keeping time for Ace or for Max. So anytime someone jio me, I just go lor.

Initially, I felt bad about leaving them behind.

But then I remembered that I need to love me too... and I need time alone, time with my friends to find me and be happy...

And I am glad I did it and went out. I dun think Max and Ace were any worse off just cos I went out. I even think they are enjoying their time alone... :)

And in trying times recently, these little meet up with friends are what keeps my sanity. Thank you, my soul sisters! You know who you are!:) Muaks!!

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