This trip back.. had a chance to take many many photos of the old photos of the family...
I had just finished translating a book my teacher, Netra Chou, wrote about Love and Reconciliation... in the book, he mentions that a person who really understands, respects and love their family and his history and ancestors will have a good and smooth sailing life...
So I made it a point that this CNY I will not only collect our family stories and also the names of our ancestors... but also I brought Ace to visit the graves of my two deceased grandfathers so that he can know them and they too will get a chance to know him...
My mum commented that I am very productive this trip.. the ones alive I also visit the ones who are dead I also visit...
We first visited my maternal grandfather...Truth to be told, I havent visited him since he passed away... and he passed away when I was 21.. It has almost been 15 years....I always thought that it was because I was still sort of mad at him...
You seem my grandfather did not live with us even though my grandma did. When i was a child, I asked my mum why and they said initially that he was living in his taxi (he is a taxi driver) and later he was renting a house with someone and I accepted it as that.. I just remmeber how he will always shower me and my sis with food and presents whenever there is some sort of festival... sometimes, he would visit us in our homes but often he just passed the things to us at the void deck... when I got older, I also never wonder why he is still not living with us.. only when we wanted to buy over the flat we were staying in in his name that I found out that my grandfather has been living with another woman and her family all these years...
I thought I was angry at him.. that is why I never cannot remember ever visiting him even.
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| Ace leaving some mandarin oranges for his Zeng Waigong.. |
When I saw his picture though, I started crying very badly. I then realized that I did not visit him because I did not come to terms with his death. He was sick for a long while and one night, we were asked to go to hospital quickly and before we could have a closure or before I could tell him how I feel, he just died. So there was really no closure. I cried and cried and cried.. all the unshed tears that I havent shed yet.. i just cried and cried.. I realized then that I have long forgiven him and actually, I love him very very very much too because really.. the memory of him having a second family or even making things difficult for my parents when he sold the flat we are staying in to them is rather distant.. but the memory of him bringing mooncakes, lanterns, and all sorts of goodies when he visits is very clear and something I hold very dear.
I asked Ace to bow to my grandfather and tell my grandfather that he is my son and that he is good. I asked Ace to ask for blessing from his great grandfather and then it was time to go off and visit my paternal grandfather...
On the way to visit my paternal grandpa, I started crying again in the car. All the emotions of missing my grandfather just rushed up to the surface and in my heart, I told my grandfather that I finally see him again and that I will give him a place in my heart... somehow, that seems to bring everything to a closure for me and I was able to stop crying...
I brought Ace to visit him when Ace was about 1 years old. And then we have never visited his grave again.
Max wondered if I will start crying when I see my paternal grandfather. (Yeye) Interestingly, I was totally happy and excited to see my paternal grandfather again after so long... I asked Ace to report who he is and ask for blessings and I also reported about what has been happening in the family to my grandfather.
Now that I have visited both of them, my heart felt lighter and happier:)
In my quest to research about our family history, I then found out that Max's grandparents passed away when his father was very young.. he sort of literally brought himself up.. and perhaps because he was very close to his parents and they passed away when he was young, so my father in law became a person who values relationship very much.
We found out so many things about the Chua family that even Max and Shushu also din know:
- Our Chua family had an indonesian surname because Max's grandparents were from Indonesia. The indonesian surname we have was Tjandarama.. or something like that...
- Max's grandfather was a sailor ... in fact, he was captain of the ship and he had a weakness for alchohol and so was deemed black sheep of his family.
- Max's grandma died very young and according to family story, she died because she was being cursed using spells by her siblings who thought she had wanted to fight for the family inheritance.
- Max's grandfather had a rich father but he was cut out from his inheritance since he died young. (this is the only one that Max knows)
Hopefully this will bring some precious memories back for Ace when he sees this many moons later...
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