Over the years, I have seen her struggle with not being able to answer simple questions about what she did yesterday and getting frustrated with it... to the point where she would feed and forget she is feeding and start to eat Ace's food as she fed him (causing Ace to ask me "Why laoma eat my food?")... to eating the biscuits in the kitchen non stop cos she is no longer able to understand if she is full or hungry and can no longer remember if she has eaten... to liking to tear lots of tissue and hiding them in her trousers and hoarding anything that has come her way cos her thinking of a scarcity filled world in her youth during difficult times seems to her more of a reality than the current reality she is living in...
Then, she started retelling stories of my dad's childhood and repeating the same story once every 5 minutes and asking me the same questions again and again non stop.. She lost her sense of what is "proper" or not in society started to totally losing her defense mechanism which lead to her sharing one of her deepest secrets with me.. one she has never told anyone.. not even my grandfather or my parents...
Over time, she also started to repeatedly asking me once every 5 minutes why I never had one more child other than Ace and chiding me for not wanting more children... Asking me where Ace is everytime she walked over and came to my mum's house..
Eventually, she gave up struggling with her memory and just delcare"I don't remember.."... She lost her ability to feed or take care of Ace and ability to remotely remember anything... even the names and faces of her family members...
Before we left for Dubai, Laoma has already reached the point where she can no longer wat happened yesterday or maybe even a minute before... However, if you visit her often, she will recognize who you are....
In the 10 months we were in Dubai, her condition has deteriorated furthur.. She is now no longer able to remember anyone except her helper... she can no longer remember who her family is and is no longer able to control any of her emotions and so if she is angry, she gets REALLY ANGRY. She is also no longer able to walk steadily without help and has since locked herself in her bedroom and fallen down and injuring and leg and her arm a few times... In short, she has become a child again...
When Ace was much younger, it was pretty difficult for me to explain to Ace why Laoma was the way she was. As he got older, I explained to him that Laoma has a sickness and it has to do with the brain... and slowly she will start to lose her memory...
When we were back for Chinese new year, no matter who called her.. me or my mother, she just refused to come over to our place for new years eve dinner. Sadly, the only solution we could come up with was to get the helper to lie to her tat they are going out for a walk and then just bring her here.. and when she arrived, she had totally forgotten what her tantrum was about and why she did not want to come over (because she said her legs and hands were in pain and she felt her injury looks ugly and she doesnt want us to see it) and was happy as long as we fed her something sweet.
Some time back, when my cousins visited her with her children, she was unable to understand that these children are her family... her only thought was to protect the plate of watermelons in front of her and so, she shouted at the little kid to "go away!" fiercely, no realizing the impact of her wrath and not thinking of how this little girl may be related to her..
Since my mum told me about the incident with my cousin, I felt it best tat i warn Ace in advance.. so that he doesnt get a shock or get upset or blame laoma if she were to get fierce or violent. I told Ace that Laoma has since gotten worse... she has started to forget her family members and so she may not be able to recognize him and might not like it if he were to wander around her house and touch and play with anything freely as she has a strong sense of ownership about her things.. I told him that because of that, Laoma might suddenly get upset or shout or even look like she is about to strike him.. but if that ever happens, all he has to do is hide behind me and I will protect him and settle it for him... On his part, he just do his best to behave himself and not antagonize Laoma in anyway....
On the day we arrived in Singapore, my aunty called and said that laoma complained of pain in her legs and so she asked if we could bring dinner over to laoma and her helper as she did not want to leave laoma alone in the house even for a short while.
Since my dad was also suffering from some sort of leg pain, I volunteered to go over with Ace. Ace thought about what I had told him and said he doesnt want to go over cos he is afraid Laoma might scold him... I explained to him tat the more often we saw laoma... the better she will remember us and so the less likely she will get angry and upset at us... and with some reluctance, Ace agreed.
When i arrived at laoma's house, I asked her if she remembered me... she grumpily replied "I don't remember!" (Apparently, she doesnt like people to ask her to guess who they are now).
So I told her tat I am so and so and so and so's daughter.. this is my son and we are here to visit her. And then I took the photo tat we took during Chinese new year tat my cousin has printed out for her and showed her the picture... I told her everyone in the photo is part of the Peng family and that she is a very fortunate old lady with lots of people who love her.. and then I pointed out to her her children, her grand children and great grandchildren and somehow, that put her in a really good mood and she was really happy..
By then, she started to chat with me... Her standard script started like this:
- You got children or not?
- How many?
- This one (pointing to Ace), yours ah?
- Boy or girl?
- Ah Ma very happy for you ah...
And then hor, she will repeat this about 10-15 times... And her script started to change a little bit...
- You got children or not?
- How many?
- This one (pointing to Ace), yours ah?
- Boy or girl?
- Why you never give birth to a girl?
- Well, it is good you at least got a son...
And she repeat 10-15 times and then script change again..
- You got children or not?
- How many?
- This one (pointing to Ace), yours ah?
- Boy or girl?
- Why you never give birth to girl?
- When he is young you should have given to more children...
And then I think it is probably time to leave cos if not she is going to start scolding me for not having more children like in the pst.. hahaha...
And she was in such a good mood.. she actually asked Ace to come over and hold his hands and look into her face and said to him..."You are a good boy hor... you must study hard and be a good boy and respect your mother..."
When she first saw us, she looked like she did not remember anything and so i told her I am so and so's daughter and I am her grand daughter.. last week I came to visit her and she invited me to come for dinner and here I am...
Since the week before she was happy tat I showed her the photo.. I quickly showed her the photo and reminded her that she has a big family and that she is well loved..
And then she started asking if Ace was my son and I said Yes and I told her tat he did not speak much teochew and then I asked Ace to speak in his halting teochew and Ace did his magic of "Li hor borh?", "Jiak pah buay..." and "Li jiah si mi" (ok, the last phrase is actually hokkien) but tat made Laoma laugh happily that her great grandson trying hard to speak her language...
And once she is in a good mood, she was ok with Ace running around and kept telling me that children are like tat and things like "Nevermind, let him run around.." Then she kept talking about how her house is very big...
For a moment, she lost focus and stared at her helper and asked if that is my daughter.. after a while, she told me she remembered already.. :"This girl lives here. but I dunno why she lives here.. dunno where is her family... nevermind lah.. let her be.."
Anyway, my sis couldnt make it for dinner but bought her some durian puffs and she was really happy to eat them..
When i was looking at her, I wondered if this might be the last time i would see her.. given tat my grandma is already in her 90s.... I know if she were to leave when i am in Dubai, I will never get a chance to see her for the last time...
When I mentioned this to a good friend, she told me to let it go.. "Even if you were here, you might not be able to do anything for her or to see her for the last time too.. " I guess if she had the proper faculties to live a proper life, then she would want us to just lead our life to our fullest without regrets or guilt too...
Like one of my teachers said of a sufi saying, "Children are like arrows.. meant to go furthur and faster than their parents ever did..."
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