It started with me entrusting him with my ipad password. I told him that I will tell him my ipad password BUT he has to promise me that he will not use my ipad unless he asks for my permission or unless i give him permission because the ipad belongs to me and it is only polite to ask permission.
So for a few months, he has worked well and I was quite impressed with the restrain that he showed. Then a few weeks ago, I caught him playing my ipad without asking for my permission and so i gave him the usual prep talk about how it is important to keep one's promise and how i will still trust him and give him one more chance.
And then, one day, his dad said to pass him the ipad and let him use to watch this channel called igenius as a reward. We told him we will lend him the ipod for 30 minutes but he has to watch only igenius and nothing else. And he promised. But after about 15 min, when we checked, he was watching The Regular Show!!!
So he got another one of those it is important to keep your promise sort of talk from Max.
About 20 min later, Ace went into the bedroom and locked the door. And he was inside for a reallly long whilie. Whenever he is quiet, it means he is up to something so I walked into the room to take a look and there is our good friend, lying down on bed with his leg crossed and happily watching youtube cartoon videos on the ipad.
I told him that I would only give him 3 chances and since he did not want to make good use of the chance he has, I shall no longer entrust him with my password. I will change my password and he is banned from using my ipad for a month.
It made me really mad because he did it right after we gave him some prep talk about keeping your promise. Not only was he not keeping his promise, he also was lying to us about what he was doing when I asked him, "What are you doing?" when I saw him with the ipad. Ace kept begging me not to take away the ipad previledge and crying and begging and saying, "No....."
I also told him that I am mighty mad and I have to punish him because lying is not right. If a child lies about small things, they will think it is okay to lie about big things and if they lie more, it might lead to crime.. so I have to punish him.. and it is definitely not because i love to see him in pain or being punished.. because i hoped he will learn from this and learn to tell the truth no matter what happens...
And so, two weeks passes... And I would have thought the lesson is still fresh in his mind since I still often have to remind him that he still is being punished whenever he asks if he could play with my ipad.
Then one day, he came home from school with his favourite sushi snack barely eaten. I asked him why his snack is not eaten and with a straight face, he told me that he had finished his work early and so his teacher said he could read and before he realized it, he had read right through playtime.
"But you have two playtimes right? Why didn't you eat at the second playtime?"
"Aiya, second playtime same story lah.." he said.
STORY... I should have caught on the word and realized that he is lying but I didn't. I did feel it is strange but i let it pass...
So at night before we slept, we were doing our night time chat about what happened in school and Ace finally unintentionally let the cat out of the bag by telling me about what game he played with Damien during playtime. When I realized what he said, I asked him nonchalantly, "Are you saying that you played this game during playtime today?" "Yeah,"
And then I asked him, "If you were reading a book right through both playtimes, how can you play with Damien?"
His face changed and immediately looked guilty.
I was quite upset that he lied and with a straight face too but I kept my calm. I did not scold him but asked him, "Is lying right or wrong?" and he answered that it is wrong.. and then I asked him why it is wrong and he answered, "Because if I keep lying, when I grow up I will lie about big things and become a criminal.."
So i asked him if he thought he should be punished.. and by now, he started to cry... "Yes" he said as tears flowed out of his eyes.. "So how do you think you should be punished?" And to my surprise, he chose the thing that was most most painful for him.. "No playtime tomorrow.." and then he sobbed and sobbed as tat was the worst thing in the world that he thinks could ever happen to him.. cos for Ace, his life priorities are simple.. PLAY, PLAY, EAT:) hhahhahhaha..
So I told him that he will have no playtime tomorrow in this case. And then I gave him a hug and explained to him that I am punishing him not because it makes me happy. I am sad too whenever he is denied of something he likes and enjoys and feels sad but I want him to learn from this. Then I repeated that people who lie about small things will also think it is ok to lie about big things and eventually, they may commit crime.. "Is that who you want to become?" I asked him. If the answer is no, I told him that he can learn from his mistake and make a different choice again next time. Also, if he tells the truth, I may scold or nag him a little.. but if he lies, now he gets not one scolding but two scoldings and one punishment.. definitely boh hua to lie...
But maybe because he has started lying.. and so I become very sensitive to everything he is saying. For example, he would say things like, "J said xxx xxx xxxx..." And because it seems strange to me, I will ask him a few other questions to validate his point and then he will say, "Oh I am talking rubbish, i was just joking.. she didn't say that..'
I will let it pass but I explained to him that we have to "say what we mean and mean what we say". When we joke around and say things about other people, it may seem like a joke or we may not mean it but in this case, what he said about J would give people a bad impression of her and if J is his friend, he wouldnt want to discredit her right?"
I know in the adults world, this is really tough as well.. even for me. I have done one exercise once and you had to say everything you truthfully think for a short period of time AND THAT IS NOT EASY AT ALL. For convenience or sometimes because we are afraid of people getting upset or laughing at us, we adults like to tell small white lies... or we OMIT information.. or we make small talk and make up unimportant stuff to talk about... hate to break this to you.. but this is lying as well.. it takes awareness, conscious decisions and COURAGE to say EVERYTHING you think and feel without dressing it up and without omission. Don't believe and try it.. JUST for the next 2 hours...
As all my teachers have said tat children are a reflection of our subconscious mind.. i wonder though which part of me is not "truthful" enough and how I can improve.. so I made a mental commitment to continue to be more aware and courageous and tell the TRUTH... even if it hurts me...
Anyway, back to our story.... Ace did the punishment happily and actually.. he did his homework and played at home... He did not tell his friends he was being punished and merely told them that he cannot play with them. He was punished with no playtime on a thursday...
But the next day when he woke on friday, he complained to me that this is the worse weekend ever (weekend starts here on fri and ends sat). When I asked him why, he said, "Because my mother threatened me with punishment and no play time.." I reminded him that he chose his own punishemnnt and i din do it to make me happy n make him sad.." And I din want to talk to him after that.
After some silent treatment, he seemed to realize he at fault after about 10 minutes later and make and origami white dove for me and said he was sorry he was mean and shouted at me.
I was hoping that was the end of it but alas, on the sunday following... Ace came home with his snack uneaten again. When I asked him why he said they were given super short break time and he had no time to eat...
This time I clever liao.. i asked him he really had not time to eat or did not eat..."Did you have time to play?" And then he know he peechar lobang liao...
This time, I was not so much angry but resigned and upset that he just never learns his lesson. I really don't know what to do...
That day, I let him go out and play after his work because I told him, "I give up, even if I punish you, you don't learn your lesson. I am so disappointed with you...'
And my son hor, was definitely NOT sorry about it at all.. he just happily went out to play.. only to find tat the neighbour doesnt want to play.. (haha.. he deserves it)
When his dad came home, I told his dad about it and this time, his dad gave him a good scolding and he had to stand by the wall and be scolded for a good 15 minutes. His dad threatened a serious punishment like no play time forever or throwing away one of his toys and asked him to choose... "I don't want to choose... I don't want anything bad to happen to me..."
"Too late, " Daddy told him.. "The moment you choose to lie, you are already choosing one of these consequences.. no playtime or throw away toys..."
"But I want to play and I want my toys, I don't want to choose... I don't want.." Ace kept crying and begging...
I think Daddy also heart soften lah.. in the end told him he will be punished with no playtime for two days... and then Ace cried and cried and cried and cried when he went to bath. Cried till like father mother died already like tat...
After he was done bathing, Daddy gave him a hug and told him he will give him special discount.. no playtime for one day only... but if he lies again.. next time will be no play time for 3 days... lie again, no playtime for one week.. lie again.. no playtime for a month... "I will give you my trust again, ok? But please keep it and don't do anything to break it.." Max told Ace.
By bedtime about 30 min later, Ace was all smiiles again. He was even in the mood to play acting game with me. He said he is director and when he says "Action!" I have to be daddy.. my script is, "It is too late, when you choose to lie you already choose no playtime.." and he will be Ace and his script is , "But I don't want to choose, I don't want anything bad to happen to me..boo hoo hoo..." And then he will giggle and yell "Cut!" if got my script wrong. He very happy and kept asking me to repeat the scene lor.. it was as if the previous sadness and crying and scolding is some big joke...
Children.. dun understand them....
But that being said, I think human beings are very fan jian.. only after threats and scare by daddy liao then I think Ace truly learnt his lesson. Few days ago, he came back with snack half eaten again and then I asked him why he did not finish it.. his eyes rolled up and I knew he was deciding to tell the truth or not and I reminded him what happens if he lies and how it is better to get a bit of scolding than to get TWO SCOLDINGS PLUS BIG PUNISHMENT..
So he told the truth that he wanted to play.. it then occured to me that he may also not like to eat what I prepared tat day (pasta dish) and so I asked him... he said yes, part of it was he wanted to play and the other part was that he did not really like this pasta and so I told him that if he did not like this snack, he has to feedback to me so I can try to change it or make something else instead."What about the other two times you didn't eat your snacks?"
"Oh, that time I was really just choosing to lie.." Hahaha..
Well, I am just glad he has decided not to lie anymore:) I checked with a girlfriend who is a mother of two older kids and found out tat around this age, seems that most kids go through a phase of lying because it is more convenient.. and the best thing is, I found that our script to our children about why they shouldn't lie IS ALL THE SAME!:) wahahahahaha.. Indeed, 天下的妈妈都是一样的...
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