Whenever I talk to friends who do not have kids of their own, many a times, many of them try to tell me what to do or what not to do based on their logic... I guess I might have been guilty of that before I was a mother too ;) However, what many of these people do not understand is that while it is nice to have logical theories, (and most parents already have their own set of theories and philosophies) it is quite another to put it into practice..
I brought Ace to a birthday party the other day and I noticed that one of his classmates has grown from a gentle, timid little boy into quite a big aggressive bully. Now that he is much taller, he is also more aggressive. He is always looking to get into fights, always pushing someone else, hitting someone else, kicking others on the sly and snatching other people's toys.. Even though his dad was present (but bz chatting with other parents).
As a rule, I do not interfere with how my son interact with his friends. I usually only watch, observe and discuss with him about it later. So when I saw how Ace was pushed and kicked... It took my every last ounce of willpower not to say anything and just watch and see how Ace reacts.
Most of the time, Ace actually doenst mind and takes it good naturedly... unless it got too much, Ace might want to push or fight back... Since he does not seem to mind and he did not really come to harm, I decided I will grin and bear with it and have a talk with him about it later to find out how he feels.
My teacher said that we have to put trust in our children that they will handle it and settle it themselves but sometimes, this is hard to do:) During the party, the balloon man told the children that they were allowed one balloon per kid. Ace made his balloon sword and left it beside his seat when they went to the cake cutting and before I knew it, Ace and the little boy K were caught in a scuffle. I broke them up and told Ace not to fight. So Ace went back to his seat and he realized his sword was missing and then I realized that K took Ace's sword and Ace was just fighting to get back his sword...
Upon seeing that his sword is really missing, Ace started to cry... I told him not to cry and that if he wanted his sword, he should go and get it from K himself. I even told him what to say.. and that he should tell K "Can I have my sword back. This sword belongs to me..." But he just cried and cried.. and then K came by and so I asked him, "Can you return Ace's sword to him?" "But but but.." K tried to explain... and at this moment, Ace tried to fight K to get his sword back again... I asked Ace to stop and let K explain... "But I need two swords and Ace left his sword here, that is why I took it..." K explained..
"If you need two swords, you should go to the balloon man to get one more... if you take Ace's sword, he will have no sword, the balloon said only one balloon each, right?" I told him... trying my best to control the "how dare you bully my son" burning anger inside me and remember that I am the mature adult who has a good chance of showing positive example and giving good guidiance...
Interestingly, he realized that I made sense and so he returned Ace the sword and went to asked for another sword. Anyway, he asked for 4, 5 balloons in total cos everytime he saw someone have something he doenst have, he tries to bully or push his way around to get it and he kept going back to the balloon man to ask for MORE balloons.. I noticed also that pple who are firm tend to get to keep their toys and balloons as K will eventually back off. I thought though that he might be mad at me.. but instead, he realized tat I am good and protecting things and later asked if I could protect is "atomic bomb" for him... which I good naturedly did until I went home..
On a side note, the party made me realize that Ace is not very good when it comes to listening to instructions... he is always one step slower when it comes to listening for instructions and maybe because the prizes at the games are not attractive, he is actually most of the time good naturedly participating in the games and not even seemingly upset when everyone has won some sort of prize except him.. because he was either not fast enough or did not understand what was going on. In fact, I was really impressed because they were playing simon says and even though it meant that he had a chance to win a prize, even if the party host din see him make the mistake, he would raise his hands to tell him that he raised his hands... Very honest little boy indeed.. and many of his classmates were like tat tooo...
And the other children are always FIGHTING for a chance to win prizes and my son is just happy to participate. I cant decide if this is good or bad.. hahahaha:) Good sportsmanship but lack of ambition is well, depends on how you look at it... But interestingly, Ace likes sports cars like porshes and BMW so he should rightfully be a pursuer who chases after his dreams.
I had a talk with him on our way home and realized it was also because the prizes that were given out were things he already had, so he was not really interested to win them. We talked about K and I reminded Ace that crying will not help to solve matters but talking to K did. And notice that I did it firmly.. so K finally returned his sword. I asked him about why K kicked him and he did nothing and he said, "we were just playing a kungfu game and it was not painful.. " I guess I should trust Ace, his good nature sometimes has a way of unravelling the toughest knots.
K and Ace were friends again at the end of the party and sharing toys again... I am however worried for K and how he might fare in primary school and why he has grown to become this way. His parents are mostly supportive and always with him when he attends school events or parties... they seem to be very good natured and have very comfortable lives (I have seen the dad in a few diff high end cars).
But then again, as per the title of this post, I will put my trust in K in that he will become more mature as he grows and move out of this phase and go back to his sweet natured self.
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