Bad Dream

These two days, Ace was especially moody....

Yesterday, I was out with his dad on a double date with Ah Yee and Nett Nett.... and Ace was at Popo's house playing with Cayden... He called me suddenly and said he was hungry and asked to eat supper. But when I called my mum later, she said he already ate dinner (rice and veg), some dragonfruit, sushi, starfruit...

When I picked him up, his tummy was round like a ball! I asked him if he was sure he wanted supper because his tummy looked so round... I asked him hat was the real reason he called me... and then he said, "I just wanted to hear your voice mah..."

Hahahahahahahaa....

Today, when I was in zumba, he called me.... eee ee aww aww a long time.. just like the day before when he called me... and he couldnt seem to answer my question of "Why are you calling me..." And after alot of hums and haws... he finally said Cayden did not want to play with him. I told him to go play by himself then...

Anyway, when I reached Popo's house, he was in a bad mood and refused to be friends with Cayden again... it did not help tat Cayden baotoh wat he did and tried to complain to me and his dad what he did... (he explained to me later he was trying to get Cay to play with him when he used the bolster to hit him and accidentally hit too hard till Cay fell down)...

Then he just went into total black face mood, locked himself into the room.. and he finally opened up and started to talk to Cay... BUT... his dad arrived and first thing Cay did was to complain to Max what Ace did to him so he ran to the room and slammed the door again:) hahaahhaa

I kept asking him why he was moody but he said he did not want to talk about it..

At night after he bathed, he said he wanted to lie down on bed and talk to me a little bit... so I said ok lor..

After he lie down, he started to talk.. he said in actual fact, he was upset because he was jealous of Cayden because everyone gave Cayden attention but no one paid attention to him... And then he started crying again...

I told him that people gave Cayden attention because he will go around.. talk to everyone and try to play with them.. he engages them.. and he is always carrying a smile on his face even though he kenna scolding or caning by his dad.. he is still smiling and happy...

I asked him who he will prefer to play with... someone who engage him or someone who locks himself in the room watching cartoons all the time?

That he even had this untrue thought... and he started giving me a black face, pushing me away, locking himself in the room and then think I give cayden more attention is simply ridiculous. I put my hand between him and me and act like I was pushing him away. I told him.. this hand.. is all those things that he chose.. locking himself in the room, giving a black face, having thoughts that no one paid attention to him, throwing a tantrum....

And isnt it ridiculous? You put a hand to push people away... and then.. when people try to move forward (I asked him to try to move forward towards me), they cannot right.. and then you go think "Oh... no one loves me..."

That's just plain silly! Hahahahaha...

And he gave it some thought and agreed that it is silly...

Then he told me that he has been moody because he had a bad dream last night. In his dream.. everyone who he cares about like me, his dad, his grandparents all dislike him... everyone dun love him anymore... and in the dream, he was so depressed he committed suicide and killed himself.

He started sobbing as he told me this.. I told him Uncle Chuck said that everyone in your dream is you. His dream just shows that he really dislikes and hates himself.. so much he wants to die.. and then he started sobbing very tearfully...

I told him to remember when he is feeling this.. that we will always love him no matter what and will never dun want him or dislike him... We will get angry.. but we will love him anyway...

While I dunno why he has this dream.. I understand self hatred as it is one of my largest lessons in life...  IN my work on my personal self, I too, have experienced this kind of derision for myself and am always glad when I work my way out of it:) And so, I understand this need to provide him with a platform to release his sadness.... and how that by showering him with lots of love, he will be able to overcome this himself.  I am wondering if I were not POV trained, what is going to happen to my ultra sensitive son... But I guess heaven sent this son to me because I am such a mother who would learn to understand:) hahaa

When he was able to stop crying and calmed down a little, (a little love does alot) he asked me why does he have so much sadness in him and I told him it is because he kept it and did not express it or heal it lor... and then he asked me how does he hate himself less... I told him he can just choose to love himself more...

I think I should bring Ace to more joining sessions to let all these emotions out :) I did tell ace that he is very sensitive which is a weakness if he focuses too much on these negative emotions and dun have a mature way of handling them.. but it is also his strength because when you are aware of these emotions, you can heal them and become a happier person:)

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