The other day, he came home and said that someone, let's call him T, told him, "I am going to kill you!" And I asked him why does his friend talk like that... He said his friend was upset with him and so he said he is going to kill Ace.
I was a little disturbed to hear that. I mean, I understand his friend is just saying it lah.. but why would you say that to people.. it is rude, it is not nice, it is aggressive and it is violent. I am also upset why Ace allows his friend to treat him this way... so I asked him why he let his friend talk to him like that...
"Nevermind lah, he is my friend mah..."
So I explained to him that if he accepts and does not tell his friend to stop, his friend will just continue to talk in this manner to him and treat him this way... and so he has to accept it all the time..
Then I asked him these questions, "Does he treat other people like that? Do good friends talk to each other like this? Have you heard me talk to Ganma Karen like that?"
I also explained to him that if he is a good friend and a true friend, he should tell his friend T that it is not right to do this and treat people this way. Because while he might be forgiving, if T went ahead and treat someone else like that, he just might get into trouble...
But he was in a forgiving mood and he says he will forgive his friend...
Next day, he came back home and cried in my arms for a good minute. All because T boxed him very hard in his arm... (I suspect his crying was mostly because his dad was overseas that day.. it has been such a long time since we have reunited with his dad in Dubai after living apart for 1.5 years but still Ace gets super edgy whenever Max is overseas.. even if it is just for one day...)
Because it is just boxing around.. and I think Ace sure also playing along in the first place, I just told him that he should tell T to stop this time and forgive him.
What a difference a day makes though!
This time round, he goes the other extreme and decides that HE IS GOING TO STAY ANGRY AND PLAN FOR A REVENGE!
OMG, my son cannot do things in moderation one.. has to be this extreme or that extreme...
True to his word, he started taking out his pen and paper and started WRITING DOWN a plan for revenge! Wah lau, I teach him how to plan for things on paper is for him to use on school work.. not to use on this lor..
On the way to school in the Volvo, he will:
- Turn off T's fav virgin radio and play chinese songs (cos T is Indian and doesnt understand chinese)
- Sit in the front of the car and not with T
- Don't play with T
- Don't talk to T
- Sing naughty boy lalala (which is the song T hates most)
We are quite curious as to why he is reacting so strongly this time. He has always been very forgiving towards T because he says T is a good friend of his so at night at their man to boy talk time, Max asked him why he felt so strongly till he feel he needs to revenge this time..
His reply surprised me and Max.. not so much the content but the way he expressed how he feels. He told Max that he is very upset this time because he feels very sad and hurt. "He made me feel very small and he made me feel very unimportant.. friends don't treat each other like that..."
Max says feel like Ace is grown up and start to understand his feelings and express himself very clearly and I think so too. He doesnt think so hard or stutter so much when he tries to explain himself as well...
Sigh.. I am also at a loss now if what I did was right. Was it better for him to be a door mat and let T step all over him but still forgive him anyway like those sage.... or is it better for me to teach him to stand up for himself and be kind, gracious but not a door mat..... where is the thin, fine line and how do I explain where the line is...
Anyway though, Ace really carried out his "revenge" plan and after one or two days, he happy already and they started talking to each other again...
But leh, like the chinese saying goes, "good scenery dun always stay the same" and so after one or two days of being best buds, they got into a quarrel again. This time round, they were in a discussion about potions. Ace said that while potions like those in smurf village are just fantasy now.. maybe one day, it will become reality.. T said that is not possible at all.. But the optimist Ace says.. "Yes, not for now.. but we never know... who knows in future, someone might come up with an awesome potion!"
T cannot lose and insisted that it is impossible and that Ace is being ridiculous.. so when Ace stood to his point, T tried to make a bet with Ace that if what Ace said is true, he has to immediately make a potion and DRINK it... and to make his point, he is sure that Ace will DIE! Ace was a little upset that his friend was a meanie and spoke to him like tat... (but again, that was an idea I put into his head. Last time when he talked about people dying, I told him cannot curse people to die.. it is a bad and mean thing to do.. because what if it comes true, we will forever feel guilty.. and the person hearing it also dun feel good)
Again, I was a little disturbed and upset to hear this. Where got people talk like that one? Why does the little boy think it is appropriate to say such things and say people will die.. maybe it is a different family culture.. diff country culture... BUT.. still hard for me to stomach even though I know 童言无忌...
And to make it tougher, T is usually a sweet boy. He has been to our place a few times. He is always polite, quiet and well behaved. He has never given Max any trouble on the way to school. He was on the same school bus as Ace and he has been nothing but sweet too. They quarrel sometimes but that is it.. It seems according to Ace's feedback to me, that the little boy only acts up in front of his mother. And apparently if his mother says NO to him or tells him not to do something, he starts to throw a huge tantrum and kick his mother's chair and shout at his mother. I told Ace many times when he told me about it that he should gently remind his friend not to do that or try to calm him down. It is not right to do that to your mother. But I think Ace knows better and usually he says his strategy is to shut up, mind his own business or try to change topic to cheer his friend up.
Anyway, I asked Ace if he will prefer that I bring him home everyday instead.. "我可以兴苦一点，每天去带你回来。我不喜欢我的儿子被人欺负。“
"Dun want lah, dun want you to xin ku lah..." I tot so guai.. and then the real reason came up... "If you fetch me then we have to walk such a long journey home everyday from the school to the metro.. and summer it will be so hot..." wahahahahahahahahah...
I told Ace then that since I am not beside him, there is little I can do if he wants to continue the current arrangement. He only has a few options whenever T does something that upsets him:
- Ask T to stop firmly and explain why
- Tell his mother (who is driving them home) what T is doing as she might not be aware since she is focused on driving
- Tell T that if he does not stop what he is doing, he is going to tell ME
- Request to sit in front and not sit together with T at the back to reduce friction.
Anyway, my son orh orh orh.. when I talked to him about the above 4 points and then.. few days later.. something happened and he only did point number 1! Sigh...
This time round, T did something really bad.. he pulled out his sock and told Ace, "What is your best experience today? It is my sock!" and held the sock in front of Ace's face with the sock touching his face near the mouth! That is very unacceptable.. I mean I get it that he is just playing a fool and messing around... it is all in good fun, I get that. BUT I CANNOT ACCEPT DIRTY SOCK NEXT TO MY CHILD'S MOUTH!
So leh, I decided that I have to do something. I contemplated if I should talk to T myself but that would be interfering with the situation.. which is not me and Max's policy... I decided to whatsapp T's mother. I only have one purpose actually, I wanted the mother to tell T that I know what he is doing and that I am upset about it. Period.
So I thought long and hard and I whatsapped her to tell her what has happened and told her i wanted to find out what is happening because Ace has also told me that T has boxed him and done other things to him. But I did not say anything because I thought they were just fooling around. But I am concerned this time round because the sock is near Ace's mouth!
She replied that she doesnt know about it as she was driving and confessed that it is stressful for her to drive two bored boys home. On top of that, she told me that Ace was jumping around in the car and her car was shaking...
I asked Ace if that is true and he said he was trying to move away from the sock..
So I told Ace to please stay still in the car and not jump or jerk violently. I explained to him that this car is quite old and so when you move little bit, the passengers in front will feel it alot and be uncomfortable...
I also told the mother to please go ahead to tell Ace to stop doing that as I have already told Ace that I have asked her to remind Ace if he forgets to sit still. And then she suggested that I let Ace bring story books or toys to keep them entertained...
I think we have very different parenting styles and very different ideas of what is good parenting. Max thinks a better strategy is to keep the boys under control by setting clear rules. Ace knows the rules in the car and as a result, he doesnt do funny things and so his buddy doesnt as well.
Unfortunately for T's mother, Ace doesnt think the rules apply to ALL CARS because fun with his friends overrides all instructions we give him... (my bad, but my son is like tat.. number one most impt thing in the world is play.. he even tells me he has a talent in PLAYING!)
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Ace: Mummy, I know what my talent is...
Me: What?
Ace: My talent is playing. I am expert in playing!
Me: Duh..... You mean the most important thing to you is to play.
Ace: Exactly!
Me: Double duh....
But what to do, I cannot complain, because I also always tell people that my talent is 讲废话.. my close friends will know tat well wahahahahaha...
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And because Ace follows the leader, if his buddy is rowdy, he also rowdy lor.. so it is alot tougher for T's mother in this aspect.
Anyway, from all that I have learnt, I also think that there must be some hidden issue between T and his mother. Perhaps he is calling for attention about something. Perhaps they are not in the correct "position" within the family system. She is such a wonderful and lovely lady and I sincerely wish that she and T will find a way to overcome this hidden issue and enjoy a more bonded, harmonious relationship and that her interactions with her kid will become less stressful when that happens.
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